March 27, 2006
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I haven’t written much…been testing and so far…everything is Okay…the colonoscopy showed three polyps which all came back negative…so the fear is gone for that test and I’m left with the gross no one ever mentions…but that is okay…there gone now…I have six more tests in the next three months then I’m okay until one in July and then September I have two then I’m free until next January…but then it will be my eighth and FINAL high risk year…so I haven’t visited much but I promise myself that I will because I miss everyone…I did want to “release” something that has been bugging me inside of me lately…so here it goes
Being 51 I grew up during the Vietnam era…experimented…yes with sex…drugs…rock and roll…alcohol…finding myself…still haven’t figured out where the hell I was hiding but that was the way it was back then…I must find myself…HELLOOOOOO….I’m right here…never left…I always thought I was blessed enough not to be affected…maybe I am…I have had six operations…three of which were major…one of which was cancer…so I have been “put out” several times…the operation for cancer was over eleven hours…prior to this operation I could read a book in two or three days…now it takes me sometimes weeks…I fall asleep reading…have to reread what I read and find my time so short to read with…I also had less to do this is true…I was also younger…this is also true…I could also sit through a movie…now I either fall fast asleep if I sit still…or I have to get up and walk around cause I can’t sit still…my mind wonders…true I get up earlier…do more and have a much longer busier day…Is this age? I don’t know…is this nervousness since the cancer…I don’t know…is this the fact that my brain was put out involuntairily for over eleven hours and maybe part of it didn’t wake up or a side effect is fudge sometimes or the inability to concentrate on one thing at other tmes…or is it just because most of the movies are so stupid I know what the end will be from the beginning and find the whole entire thing a waste of time…frustrating and annoying…do I feel my time is too precious to waste…I don’t know…does it scare me…hell yeah…
My daughter says I don’t listen to anything she says…I thought I did…true some of it is “hogwash” and I want to say more but try and let her “grow at her own speed” and intervene only when she needs a helping push in the right direction…I do have much on my mind…but I am always polite and try and understand her age…
Does long surgeries do this to people…I don’t know…does radiation and chemo pills do this to people…I don’t know…age does…am I old…last time I thought about it I thought I was still a kid at heart…now I am not sure I want to be ’cause that is a lot of wasted energy…besides…my feet hurt…
Doctor yelled at me…I gained seven pounds since October…I hate that…the fat part…but…I really like to eat…need some type of gratification at this age besides I love to cook so much and it smells so tasty…
I’m getting off the subject…did anyone ever hear that anesthesia for a long period of time…say over eleven hours can damage part of your brain or am I making excuses for myself…I would love to watch a movie without getting up so many times…or falling asleep…have a great day…huggs…Sassy
Comments (11)
you are most definitely in my prayers! We know all too well the stress and strain of tests and all. My fiance is struggling with xrays and test for back and nerve damage
There is not a doubt what you have gone through has taken it’s toll on your body and you are worn down and meds make our minds not as effective at times. I feel this is something you should discuss with your doctor as it is important.
Love
Nancy
Stress is a factor, as I well know. Too much, and our protective mechanisms shut us down for a bit of R&R (rest and relaxation? rock and roll?)
Love you! Congrats on the clean bill of health!!!!! HUGS ~ Paloma
Sounds alot like stress…my mom went through the same thing years ago, so about your age…I will keep you in my prayers!
Sassy I am so happy it was simple polyps with negative biopsies . No cancer . Tell you that .I know it is easier to say than to do and you have been struggling all of your life . Be sure I support you . And we are there to listen to you .
Love
Michel
Yay for the good results.
They all say we don’t listen to them. Any yeah, sometimes we don’t because we’ve been through what they are going through and often don’t remember how important it was to us because we’ve grown so far above where they are. When we remember, we listen better.
But still the triteness does sometimes make us buzz out mentally, eh?
Don’t be too hard on yourself and tell that doctor you pay him to give you medical care and advice not to yell at you like he was your Daddy or high school coach. Lord the nerve.
Are you aware of yourself?
It is a very stressful situation to have to wait for the test.
Happy that this was was not bad at all.
Keep faith for the future tests. We be in spirit with you.
Pounds does not seem a lot. Docters should not yell at people.
RYC: There is a difference between just reacting to the impulses based on instinct and choosing your actions based on being aware of who you are, what your situation is and what your options are. So my question to you in my previous comment was: Are you aware of yourself…or are you just flowing with the moment and experiencing all the emotions without being aware that you experience them. There was no underlying message in my question. I was just curious.
I think I can safely say …being at my 2nd home and viewing and at times *being you* I can really understand how TIRED you become and I really dont feel in my heart that your brain was affected by the operation. Just last night you actually sat thru a movie…LOL A rarity for both of us…Anyway, Just hear me out …In a normal day LMAO!! Yea right a normal day ,but here goes…I will JUST do a Saturday or Sunday Not even a Working day for you to go up north. Wake up Feed the pigs,feed the fish , hand feed the turtles, give 1 dog a pill change both dog bed blankets and pads, make coffee,make sure mom has her 6 ams and her 9 ams and pull the office work, throw the blankets in to wash get dryer shit out and make some breakfast. wake the chosen onette up to get her to work or whatever she need to do for that day…Feed the ducks outside and do some running around…Make sure lunch is ready and take blood pressure for mom and see if pills are needed. Then more running around…Maybe changing the cages and such…more running around , more getting pills for the mom and another blood pressure pull at 5 ….now getting dinner ready , feeding dogs, feeding pigs and oh I forgot feeding the pigs lunch too…then dog a pill at lunch .now back to dinner , yes we have to cook and also clean up …Now this is only a satuday rendition…and I try to give you a break and do that for you on weekends,..but now add all that shit I just typed to a WEEKDAY when I am at work and you have alot on your plate including now on certain days you must get up north to work in the office place all the shit I just said and more after work to do. Do you really think it has anything to do with side effects of being out for 11 Hours…Heheheh You have a full plate everyday ….You have a very stress filled life…You are a busy lady , You take care of the animals the family and the *MOM* You are one special person and always will be in heart! I will always be there to take away SOME of that stress If I could. And as far as your cooking…WOW YUM!~!! Your chicken soup was the best I hope I get to have more soon!! Love you much!! {{{}}}} ME
PS I love when you cook!!
Yes, it can affect your thinking and the way your brain works. I’m sending you Reiki. Keep doing the Reiki for you. The Reiki Gods and Goddesses will help you. Blessings abound