May 24, 2006

• I seem to never say the right thing.  If something upsets me I tend to blurt before I talk and end up hurting the people I love.  I am so sorry Silky, I am usually a very “private” person, yet today I will share.  Silky is a God send.  She is always there for me and accepts me for what I am.  She is more than a friend, she is a sister and I would just not want to not have her in my life.  I snapped at her YET AGAIN over something she felt was an innocent thing and I, in retrospect, I understand that and should have explained in a more mature and calm manner, but I didn’t as usual I snapped.  I can use all the excuses in the world for why I don’t have no patience with anyone and snap and while they are all very true, I had no right to speak with her in the manner that I did.  I feel very sorry that I did but as they say, once words are out there no way can they be mentally erased…as for the rest of the story…well…I like to pick and choose what I like to have in my life whether it be material, emotional, private, public, in the future in the present…whatever…and I want to be the one that makes those choices and some times I feel that I don’t have any of those choices.  Whether it be a me deciding what I should do to look better or deciding where I should spend my hard earned money on vacation or deciding what should be private or public knowledge or just plain simple things like what I should or should not think and therapy sometimes has a way of almost deciding that and yes I have issues and many of them and  this is true and I had the type of childhood where choices were not mine and if I made the ones my parents deemed wrong in their eyes there  were very extreme measures taken and I surely felt the repercussions of that very physically and very emotionally.  I guess in my adulthood I have become over protective of that who I am.  I have also tried desperately to instill in my daughter a sense of being her own person and never worrying about what others think…only impress yourself.  Maybe I took that  to the extreme too.  She is 16 and it bites me sometimes quite often but I still think that as time goes on she will benefit from being independent and self respectful and fulfilling HER dreams and not worrying about fitting in.  She will, where she wants to.  Well I am all over the place now.  Just feel really bad I hurt Silky…her being is very important in my life. I also am having a very hard time “dealing” with my expressions.  I guess after stifling things for a long time in my life, I tend to have them come out like a tornado and I have to learn to change my inner weather and that simple old motto to think before you speak would I want someone to say that to me? A few months ago I told one of the managers that is in his late twenties and lives for gossip that I felt he was a “flame thrower” always “setting fires under everyone’s ass” and that he causes “undue problems” at work that he is the manager and people come to him with situations and instead of rectifying them he gets off on spreading the news. I should have told him nicely but these are the words I used and at a very ”loud” tone and then that night a Burger King commercial came on advertising the “flame thrower” and I wondered guiltily if he saw the commercial as I was walking through the living room and it caught my eye. I don’t watch very much TV but heard the words “flame thrower” and it hit me hard. I would have been more effective and helpful to him if I worded it nicely but I didn’t I snapped instead and I wish I could control it I’m not a very humble person I guess and right now, I don’t like myself very much at all.  I sound like a “bitch” and geesh, how awful. Many huggs all…Sassy

  
  

   

  
  

  Still hearing this song and driving me batty

  • 9:36 am
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