December 20, 2008

• Puzzle Pieces:

  For the past ten years I have learned and have been trying to subdue the “ego” part of me.  I have learned for me it will be a full time job.  I find it easier as time goes by but it is something I need to address all the time.  I tend to get emotionally hurt quickly and I know this is to do with my ego.  I have learned I can’t control the way people act toward each other. I have nothing to do with it.  I have learned it is best to accept these things.  Not that I have to like them and not that I have to live with them, but I have to accept that is the way they are.  With age comes wisdom.  As I get older I believe this.  One of the perks.  Only the younger folk don’t listen to you. LOL

  I was once told that everyone has a puzzle piece missing.  Something to deal with.  If you like the puzzle you play with it and ignore that hole.  Geesh I have always had a hard time with that missing piece.  Lately I have realized that I don’t have a piece missing.  I have several pieces missing.  Geesh, recycle time or what.  I am accepting that.  I am working on the pieces that are there and “oh well” on the ones that aren’t.  Maybe I should elaborate.  One of the managers in the location I work at has always treated me poorly.  Several reasons.  One is also that I don’t like him either and I would assume it is all over my face.  The window to my soul.  He starts fires.  If an employee comes to him with a situation, instead of trying to put the little fire out, he repeats this to the other person involved and basically fuels the fire.  I used to get so damn angry at him.  Being me, I never quietly went to him and said:  Can I make a suggestion? Then calmly told him.  NO.  I would say something along the lines of: What the Hell is wrong with you.  Your a flame thrower.  Geesh.  I guess he wouldn’t like me.  My puzzle piece is missing here.  When he would do something to me I would react the same way.  He did many things to me. Many.  Recently he has taken it upon himself to share my work station.  I understand I am only there two days a week and in another location one day and at home two days.  I have no problem sharing.  I shared a bedroom with my sister growing up and she was the bitch from hell.  Of course I wasn’t (shhrr…) anyway.  I really don’t mind sharing.  Only the woman comes in technically at 12 to 8 and I have been coming in at 9 to use the computer for my work for three hours and she seems to have this problem where she is afraid to drive on the highway.  Her husband drops her off.  She sits at the desk and eats cereal and yogurt by 8:45 and for three hours and 15 minutes talks on her cell phone.  Plays on the internet and doesn’t shut the >>>>up!!!! I live far and 9 is early for me.  I asked her several times if she could go to the lunch room or somewhere else so I can get my work done.  She either ignores me and won’t move or slides the chair to the side and says here use the computer and won’t get her >>>>ass out of the chair.  I am the type of person that can NOT say anything at first because I’m a “lasher”.  It wouldn’t come out “can you please let me sit there too” it would come out “you selfish pig get up” I am sorry but I am my father’s daughter and I am not proud of that.  Another piece missing.  I have gone through life figuring people should know how to act.  I know.  Logically that is reasonable but let’s face it, it isn’t realistic.  So. I have this huge bag now with my stapler and files and all my work in it and I go up and down the stairs computer begging for two days a week.  I have reached one of my biggest fears. I am now really a bag lady. lmao.  I am very dear friends with the owner since I was 11 and her and I have an agreement over the past 26 years.  I work for her company, I don’t go to her unless it is extremely urgent.  I follow the ladder of authority.  I totally agree and I totally understand.  But the ladder of authority is him when I am in his location.  I live far from all locations and this is the closest.  Since they accommodate my situation with my mother I need to stay here now for her.  I swallowed my disgust and calmly presented my case.  Actually, he was more than understanding as he has his laptop and goes to his two locations and has no computer lacking issues at all.  While he is at this particular location he basically pushes his staff off their computers with a “get up for a second, I need that computer” and never uses his lap top anyway.  I didn’t’ think I’d get far.  He said I should talk to my direct boss.  So I called him.  My direct boss is a soft spoken, hard working man that is also now part owner.  I calmly presented my case that I have no work station and can not be as productive to the company as I’d like.  I truly don’t want to work home two more days a week.  The aide is only there with mom when I work and I need to get away.  Anyone being a full time caregiver understands this completely.  Going to work is like going out for me.  It is my going out for now.  So he says he understands.  He will take care of it.  I even went as far as to offer my daughter’s old lap top to myself during working hours if they would load the vpn system in it,  I would use it.  The computer director called and we tried to do this.  It is so very old that we can not load it with our vpn program.  The next day he (the manager-not my direct boss) calls me in his office and shows me a brand new lap top.  He says he doesn’t want me to get mad that this is his and he will make arrangements for me to get his old oneand asks if this is that gonna “piss me off”.  I bit my lip at his attitude and told him truthfully.  I don’t care if it is used.  I am thankful to have a working computer.  Thank you.  When can I get your old one.  Well, his new one is one of those mini things and we need 14″ screens for our programs so it doesn’t work for the vpn either.  So now, mr. I have two computers is running around bumping his staff to use their computers where ever his >>>ass is and not using either lap top and I am the bag lady in the hall waiting for someone to get done then going home and staying up half the night to finish my work.   I have come to the conclusion that I can not change this until they want to.  I wrote an email politely to my direct boss telling him the situation hasn’t changed and I was wondering what the status of me getting a computer is. He hasn’t answered yet.  This week the jerk manager announced that he is giving a luncheon to the staff on Friday after Christmas as his gift to the staff.  Yes, of course I didn’t chip in for his gift. ugh…well, I mentioned I can’t be there I have to work home and take care of mom.  I never expected him to change the date for me I just wanted him to say something nice.  Say something like.  Gee Barb, I’m sorry. No…I got a SO? Why do I expect him to treat people the way he should.  He treats everyone the same and really grates with me.  But that is my ego and my problem.  I walked away and after the acid in my stomach settled I actually laughed.  Gee, I am getting better.  My ego yawned.  This is a good thing.  Sometimes God puts us in a situation where we have to walk a path with others that we truly have a chemical IMbalance with.  I am on that path and would assume he is too.  He can not understand why I won’t argue anymore.  I have actually come to a point that I don’t’ want to.  Only, the bad thing is I know this is aggravating him and I am getting very much pleasure out of that and that isn’t good.  That feed the bad dog thing. Ego problem again.  Damned puzzle piece is missing. Anyone got some putty for these big holes.  

   

  • 8:28 am
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