January 27, 2009

• TEN YEARS HAPPY ME…

  Today is a wonderful day for me – it marks a hurdle for me that I was unsure if I would reach – I have reached my tenth year today, 1/27/09, is my tenth year cancer free.  After eight years I was no longer “high risk” and that marked a big hurtle.  I relief seeped through me at that time - yet this double digit is so special.  Of course, the overhead looming is there – I am thankful I’m still here to be loomed over. I am thankful for today and I am very, very happy. I remember the fear very well and still feel it during every test “looming” – I have one out there right now – story of my life. But the good thing is I am here to be loomed over.  Still, I remember a young girl that the oncologist had me speak with shortly after my surgery. She was a psychologist and I saw her only once.  I didn’t go back, maybe I should have but I felt she was so young and never having experienced this, what did she know, I still remember something she told me and it stuck with me, it angered me at that time but it stuck with me.  She told me you are trying to piece yourself back together the way you “used to be” and you are not what “you used to be”. I was frightened by this. As with anything else – age brings wisdom. I realize now how off the mark she really was for me.  The way I interpret things.  Not that she couldn’t have helped someone else, just not the me I am.  I needed to be told I was the same person.  I needed to know I would be me.  Now I realize that her words were the same for all, she just didn’t know it. For me it is like who of us is what we used to be?  No one of course. It is part of the growing process. So pieces don’t’ fit the same.  This isn’t always a bad thing.  Every turn of life changes things for each and every one of us.  I was not a broken puzzle because I was ill once, I was a growing healing person.  As we all are at times in our lives.

  I remember coming out of surgery and knowing not many would believe me yet I knew full well with every ounce of my being this was true.  I had seen my Aunt Marie.  She was there during the surgery.  She had passed away several years before I was ill and I was holding her hand when she died. She is my Godmother and I miss her still.  I love her.  But I know she was there in surgery with me I had seen her clearly. She was in the corner of my right side by my feet and without talking she told me clearly I would be well. I felt a relaxed seeing her and knowing what she was telling me.  There were people around me, the doctors and nurses and the voices were mumbled and I couldn’t make any of them out and the light was so bright over the table that I could see it through my eyelids and then my eyes went directly to my feet and I remember the distinct smell of roses and seeing Mother Mary at the foot of my surgical table surrounded by white light and a feeling of awe coming over me.  WOW was my thought.  I had been praying to Mary.  My mom is ill and has not been herself for many years and I didn’t have a strong support system at that time and I was told by my priest that Mary is all of our mother, pray to her, she will help you. And she did.  I remember just “knowing” that Thaddeus a/k/a Teddy (my guardian angel that I have spoken to as far back as childhood and is always there for me especially when I’m frightened. Yet I still haven’t seen him) and he was in my right hand corner by my shoulder and telling me don’t be afraid I am here you’ll be okay. I could hear his voice whispering in my ear.  That is all I remember. 

  After surgery as before when I found I was ill I felt the fear, clearly I remember the fear. It is awful. You wake in the morning and it “HITS” you in the face.  cancer the word, the horrible fear.  I didn’t do well with the fear.  My inner spirit was very frightened and I didn’t even think about being brave.  I wanted to cover my head and make it go away. That feeling of being completely helplessly out of control of my own destiny.  I was forced to learn the true meaning of giving it to God and letting it go. I will admit I never really did accomplish that. Paths we cross. I pray every day that it does not come back. I am so happy that I am here. My daughter is not nine anymore like when I was ill.  Now she is nineteen and I am here. She has blossomed before me and I am here. I have grown too learned that I love me. I truly love me. I want to be here for a very long time. To see myself get older and to see my daughter and other loved ones grow. To be…just to be…when I was healing after the surgery removing the cancer and going through the treatments…ugghhh…I felt for many months a warm feeling over my whole entire body.  I no longer looked at people the same. Didn’t look at their clothes or their bodies or their hair.  I loved everyone so much and I found beauty in everyone.  I was so elated and happy with life even through the fear.  As the weeks went that love for mankind it started to fade and I cried a bit inside because I was sad.  Still happy I was here but feeling that cynical me was returning.  Human nature is we are what is around us mostly unless we direct to change that.  Life gets in the way sometimes and we don’t change that and keep on keeping on.  I will get that feeling back and this time hopefully not because I am ill or healing from being ill, just because it felt so good and I want it. 

  I want to say thank you Xanga Land friends for holding my hand through so many of my fearful times and giving me the opportunity to know that I can express myself and there are those out there that truly understand and care. Thank you God for me still being here on my tenth anniversary without the demon…hugs, Sassy

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