February 13, 2009

• And The Wind Cries “Mary” …

  I had a dream last night. 

  I drove up to a big field and the grass was green and lush and the sun was shining.  I got out of my car.  It was my car from when I was a teenager.  My first car, a 1969 blue Chevy Camaro with a Black vinyl roof.  I had always called her Camellia the Camaro.  I miss that car.  I think this means I find comfort in my past.  There was a building to my left I wanted to walk toward and I had to go about a four block distance to my left but I chose to walk the perimeter of the field the other way.  I think this means I always make life difficult for myself and don’t think things through. 

  The wind started to blow and it was gusty like a tornado.  We had some high winds yesterday which might have put that in my mind but not to this point. It was more of being told that I am being held back that I am holding myself back in life and maybe that my life is spinning like a tornado.  I couldn’t see a hands breath in front of me and dirt flew everywhere but the stinging was tolerable.  There were people talking in groups, stuck with cars and wagons with horses and just in groups all talking and helping one another and smiling through all this.  There was a sense of calmness among them and caring and friendship.  I couldn’t get to them and really didn’t’ try.  I more or less observed while walking.  I was a distance away at all times and alone.  I always feel different than those around me and I think this shows that I feel I don’t’ fit in.  This didn’t make me unhappy.  It was something I accepted and moved on.  In life that is what I do.  I finally reached my destination and was pulled back by the wind and my feet left the ground and I went backward.  No fear, just felt the pulling and I went to the beginning of the walking journey.  I think this means I keep making the  same mistakes over and over or it means I don’t accept change easily.  I am a bit confused as to the interpretation here.  Then I saw John.  He is a childhood friend and also my daughter’s Godfather and was the best man in my wedding and had before moving out west a very close relationship with my daughter’s father.  I was crying in the field and fell.  He lay next to me but not sexually and didn’t touch me and I felt comfort.  Again, comfort from my past. 

  Suddenly I felt drained and tired and someone else was holding my wrists and the wind was blowing so strongly and hitting me in the face and I couldn’t make out the features of the person holding my wrists.  It was like an anthesisa was pouring through my veins and I felt myself fall asleep.  I think this means I need to help myself let go, maybe I was holding my own wrists.

  I awoke in a building with all my coworkers and there were hallways all over and sofas and I had never been there to my recollection.  I sat on a sofa and one of the girls I work with sat next to me.  She is usually very unfriendly toward me but she smiled in my dream. I remember speaking to her about how slow work was and she agreed there hadn’t been a client all day.  The manager was sprawled across a sofa on the other side of the room.  He looked not the least bit affected by the lack of business we were generating.  I think this is my fear of loosing my income.  My fear of becoming a bag lady some day and not being able to support myself. 

  I was outside again walking toward my car and it was beautiful and sunny and the car was in the woods and I smelled the fresh air and was smiling.  The woods has always made me smile. I opened the back door and there was a basket with a grasshopper in it. He was waving at me and I smiled and shut the door and opened the front door. There were a few bugs I almost touched with no fear and moved my hand not to disturb them. The wind had blown them in I was thinking and there were frogs all over.  I couldn’t understand how they got there because the windows were shut.  I opened all four of the windows and walked some distance away not to frighten anything and let them have an opportunity to leave on their own before I did.  I think this is a form of accepting things I can’t change and maybe some how new life.  I don’t know why but that is what I am thinking. 

  I looked down and realize I didn’t have my coat.  It is warm out but I am upset because I must go back and get my coat I don’t want to leave it.  I have no bra on and wearing a black shirt and my nipples are showing and I feel so self conscious about going back but want to get my coat I need my coat.  I think this means I am having a hard time accepting change (getting the coat when it is warm and needing my coat).  Also, it shows my lack of self esteem and poor thoughts on my appearance (again…needing my coat to cover me).  I have always felt I am extremely unattractive and try not to call attention to myself for that reason.  Having no bra and feeling like someone will look at me with, of course, disgust, my first thought always, makes me nervous.  I need to accept myself is what I am seeing here.  I awake….I think of Mother Mary…she is watching over me I think. Dreams can be helpful and sad at the same time…hugs, Sassy

   

  • 9:58 am
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