Someone in work let me borrow this book.  I read it over the past few weeks a little at night and I am so happy I did.  It is called Embraced by the Light.  It is a journal of the author’s experience with dieing and returning to life on earth. I have read other books on this subject but this was the most beautiful to date.  She is a wonderful author. 

I am trying to take “lotsayear’s” advice and learn that it isn’t a situation upon me but how I react to it.  Choices again…lessons…

It was a beautiful day today.  I spent the majority of it taking care of mom of course and also getting paperwork together for the accountant tomorrow.  Tere’ will sit with her until I return.  I just am hoping in a positive manner that she has a better night tonight than she has had the past three so I can get some well deserved rest.

I sat outside and sorted the papers in an effort to receive some fresh air and sunshine. it was nice. 

I have been looking so much on the negative of everything of late because, I know, I am so sleep deprived.  I am promising myself to look for the positive, along with maybe a free volunteer, as Jassmine suggested, to help me out a bit.

I have decided that even though I am experiencing some financial difficulties, it is imperative that I put aside a small amount of money, even $5 a week or every two weeks so that I can afford to take the certification course in past life regressions.  I think along with my Reiki (I took private lessons twice a month for five years in Tibetan Reiki) I can maybe generate some extra cash.  Having just the Reiki alone won’t pull people’s interest, they like past life regressions and I have always wanted to learn this.  So I will. I have room in my home to do this maybe on a Sunday would be good and it will also lead me in the direction I want to be.  I am hoping.  One can only try.  Some day I want to learn to “sign” too.  Always wanted to.

I just checked on mom and she is absolutely fine, very annoyed her shows aren’t on because of the cbs NBA going on for the fifth day she says.  She seems very aware tonight – God, please let her sleep without stiffness, uncontrolled movement or stupidity with not using the commode so we can both rest.  There you have me wiping my hands now, it’s yours’ God…

Bill is downstairs working on the family room we stopped using many years ago and want to turn it back into the family room again and turn the little one upstairs into a informal dining room because the kitchen is so small.  Tere’ wants to entertain and with mom having two rooms we are really on top of each other.  Once it is done I can do my Reiki down there I am thinking.

I miss my laughter, does that make sense, I discovered today that I haven’t laughed and I need to…maybe I’ll watch a comedy…

enjoy your Monday everyone, hugs…Sassy

Mom was sick again, feeling a bit better but she is sucking the life out of me…geesh…last night I went for a short dinner-it was nice to get out for a bit besides just for work and the food store. I looked at things like I was a different person after not going to a really loud restaurant for so very long. 

The more time I spend alone the more I see how I am confused what others get upset about.  I am talking about observation in the restaurant.  Waiters complaining about being too busy.  I guess they are tired but they have a job and can pay the bills.  We are having a hard time with this in my household.  I get a lot of plain “shitty” projects in work that I smile and paddle through being thankful I have a job. 

Conversations at tables next to me I am engaged in listening to even though I am not the least bit interested, like I can’t turn it off…all silly nonsense.  People annoyed over the slightest thing.  One girl was talking about getting ready to “live in” with her boyfriend and they were not just disagreeing, she was explaining to the others at the table (he wasn’t’ there) that they were actually fighting over the breed fo dog they were going to get.  He wanted a beagle, how dare him…I love beagles so I took personal offense on top of it.  She also gave no one else at the table a chance to talk and she had the type of voice that my friend Roe (Silky) referred to as tunnel hearing – you can’t stop listening and you don’t want to listen. I wanted to tell her to shut up.  I really did, I wanted to turn around and say, will you please zip it and give someone else a chance you pia (pain in ass)…

So many electronics going on.  Out to dinner and there is a tv in every friggin corner blasting – people are looking up in the air at the dopey boob tube instead of enjoying each others company.  Cell phones ringing, texting going on…why not just stay home.  Seems the whole world is covered in cell phones. 

I leave mine in an area where I can hear it if I get a call from lifeline that mom needs help or my daughter is stuck or something, but people are having very long conversations with a friend while another friend is at the table.  Talking and laughing, I find it rude. 

I have seemed to lost all tolerance for people as I get older. Why can’t they enjoy each other without texting, typing, interneting, checking their email, calling and complaining, I should talk I am complaining now…I guess I just don’t understand. 

Seeing my mom so ill and spending so much time with me I really appreciate each ounce of sleep I get, each chance I get to meditate and read and each chance I get to see a friend that I love.  It doesn’t happen often.  I also have a new respect for life.  How you should be honored to live it because it is so short and there are so many awful things.  My poor mom goes through episode after episode of stiffness that makes her feel like she is trapped in her body and can’t move.  I get upset.  I want to be able to make it stop and I can’t.  It isn’t fair to her.  It isn’t fair to me.  But that is the way life is.

I just wish that people would shut off the tv and keep the phones for emergency use just while they are out to dinner with someone, or at a movie or play or in a store or walking.  No one smells the roses anymore, they just listen to the ringtones…

oh what a sad sad state where in…

On Saturday, I called the doctor to see if mom was on the antibiotics long enough to not be contagious.  She was.  I, as difficult as it was and with the help of my daughter, got her ready and took a ride to her brother’s, my uncle’s house.  We had a nice visit and she smiled quite a bit.  She was happy.  I was out of the house. 

Of course coming home changed nothing but the good news is that she has only one antibiotic left and that means that she will hopefully get rid of this awful diarrhea.  It is difficult to deal with since she has Parkinson.  This morning at 6am was just as awful.  Funny though, she will be off the antibiotics just in time for the aide to come and take care of her…poop free I hope…but I had the worst of it and I am not proud of myself how upset I got.  I don’t do well with that at all. 

My niece got her own apartment and wants me to see it.  I am thinking not this Tues with mom still sick, but maybe the next Tuesday after work I will ask Tere to sit with her for an hour so I can stop in.  The weather is getting warm and with it the hope of spring and fresh air in my house.  We all need that.  I have to admit I am happily surprised that my daughter’s father, yes, my husband, has really been stepping up to the plate.  Yesterday he gave mom her 6am pills and told me to rest and he was helping her off the floor when she slid this morning when I came downstairs.  That was nice.  Of course I won’t tell you what happened after he left “lucky me” in the room and she was off the floor, you can guess…damned antibiotics.  It was nice to have someone help though. As minimal as it was.

 I was supposed to go to the accountant today and have Tere’ stay with mom but I am not feeling well and I canceled.  I need to rest as much as I can.  I have been exposed to germs for over a week now and not resting properly.  It is so nice to look outside and see the snow melted and it is 42 degrees already and only 8am.  Yippee…Spring is a comin…enjoy your day.  Hugs, Sassy

I am so done stick a fork in me…I am exhausted, she has a (mom) very bad bronchial infection and the peeruns and the runruns and four more meds on top of her six meds that she takes and she is so ornery.  yesterday at 4am she peed the bed so badly it went through all sheets including the rubber sheet and the pads and the nightie and all and a bath at 4am – then to the doctors and she was nervous and stiff and like a rhino to lift while he did a colon exam for bleeding hemorrhoids and today at 6am she got up to use the commode and decided to sit in my recliner and peed through the nightie, pad and chair and then looks at me while I am changing and helping and very very angry and says “oh stop – it is only a little bit of piss” is this why old people are abused – I screamed a lot more than I wanted to and woke up Tere and then went out side and breathed and I really need a break – she is so ungrateful and so very sick. I can’t wait until the meds kick in and she is just normal sick – I thought that was bad – but suppositories twice a day and four creams and two antibiotics along with all the other pills and blood pressure and than an ungrateful ornery bitchy mom and tells me to get off my soap box – I want to punch her I am so angry.  I didn’t and I won’t but can she ever say Oh my I am so sorry is the chair ruined – I feel badly.  I didn’t mean it.  No, it is only a little bit of (smelly old lady morning vitamin induced and medicine laced) PISS ukk…and I wanted to go back to sleep for once how dare I dream…and if i tell my two sisters they will tell me they are way too busy and if it is too much put her away.  she generally is not ready when she doesn’t’ have a bronchial infection to be put away and I know it will kill her and I don’t’ want that I really don’t just this bathroom stuff wears on me I am not a nurse and don’t like any of this.  rantrantrantrantSassy….

When one is forced to spend time alone it is a wonderful thing.  I have always enjoyed my own company and have always liked being alone.  I am not alone – alone – mom is here and I have my family about me but I have not had much of a social life with mom being ill. Her well being consumes any free time I have from work.

But I have learned a lot about me.  I have learned that I lie to me for many reasons.  Mostly as a veil from admitting those around me are possible of doing things I am not happy with.  This is okay. I don’t want to sound judgmental, I just live I guess in a world where those around me shouldn’t hurt me. I know now that being human makes this impossible but I do have a choice as to how much I want to let hurt me and how much I want not to.  Perception is a lesson within itself. I have learned to accept and I have also learned that the me within needs to express her unhappiness to go on.  Not saying people need to change, just accepting it is one thing, the way it is consumed within me is another.  The digestion of it so to speak. Knowing that I don’t like it and this can be done without a barrage of insults toward others while still letting myself address an issue I want to. I have learned.  I address, I speak my mind clearly and truthfully and openly and honestly and totally completely and then I go on. 

I know there are those that don’t speak out and don’t explain when asked.  Some just can’t do it and some use the non-speech thing with a fake veil of fear manifested that I can see very well through and most of us can and it is an excuse not to explain.  For me just admitting this to me was very hard. I took it personal. They don’t speak when they just choose not to admit and address.  That is their choice. 

I have experienced this new me I am speaking of with work and with friendships.  My feelings toward others have changed.  Love is there, acceptance is there but no longer do I feel guilty about accepting and not liking.  I accept and know it is okay not to like yet keep the words of “you’ve got to be kidding-why do you do that” to me and to me alone.  After addressing with a simple  ”I don’t like it and why I don’t like it” I don’t question it I just shut up because I really don’t care for the why anyway, I don’t like it and I know that it is easier for them that way.  I run a tight ship in my head and not many want to be on board there.  Their choice, I like my ship with clean decks. 

So out of every bad experience comes a good.  This taking care of mom is teaching me to forgive her and myself.  It is teaching me to be humble and teaching me to be sympathetic.  It is also teaching my that fear is anger turned around.  I show anger at her for being ill because the little girl is afraid that mommy is sick and she will eventually die. Also because I dont ‘want to do my chores, I want to go outside and play. Suck it up…deal with it Barbara…it is the stage of life you say you understand and believe in so practice what you preach…told you…I run a tight ship…no room for ninnies as dad would say your WHYMEEEED…that is his made up slang he used when we were little and upset and whining  whymewhymewhyme…he ran Hitler’s ship, he was a dick of a dad in plan english…he now has a body full of guilt and alcohol…

  Taking care of mom is also a lesson I am fighting and I miss having a “life” very much.  Very much. Yet enjoy my time alone with me very much.  Very much.  But out of this I have realized that I am not dad.  Maybe dad isn’t the dad I thought.  Maybe he just didn’t mature past the presentation part. 

Me, I am and I will.  I have learned that I really like the me I am and really don’t like many things about people in general.  I am learning tolerance.  I am growing.  I also don’t give a rat’s ass who likes the me I am anymore.  I am the one that has to be with me all the time so I have to make me happy.  That one was hard.

Two nights ago after a brief meditation and a prayer for God to get me through this journey in one mental and physical piece since I am both ways exhausted completely and letting myself cry for a bit.  I then cleared my chakras and Helen came to me. She is the mother of a childhood friend that I have always kept in contact with and loved very deeply knowing her for since I was in my mom’s womb and being 54.  I saw not her as a living soul.  I saw a very dark like a shadowed profile and she turned her face toward me and then it was very clear and bright and she said.  Be kind to your mom – her time is short.  I felt empty inside and exhausted after seeing her and slept. 

The next morning mom told me “I dreamt I was with Helen and funny thing, we were playing basketball of all things” and she laughed.  I smiled.  Will Helen come for her when the time comes I don’t know but her spirit is watching over me and my mom.  I miss you Helen.  You, I liked everything about.  You were a free spirit and a barrel of laughs with a beautiful smile and the brightest blue eyes I remember so well and you always told the truth and you always were open and I respect that. I love you very much and miss your humanbeing…Huggs to all…gotta get back to work, Sassy