March 6, 2009

• My Ship….

  When one is forced to spend time alone it is a wonderful thing.  I have always enjoyed my own company and have always liked being alone.  I am not alone – alone – mom is here and I have my family about me but I have not had much of a social life with mom being ill. Her well being consumes any free time I have from work.

  But I have learned a lot about me.  I have learned that I lie to me for many reasons.  Mostly as a veil from admitting those around me are possible of doing things I am not happy with.  This is okay. I don’t want to sound judgmental, I just live I guess in a world where those around me shouldn’t hurt me. I know now that being human makes this impossible but I do have a choice as to how much I want to let hurt me and how much I want not to.  Perception is a lesson within itself. I have learned to accept and I have also learned that the me within needs to express her unhappiness to go on.  Not saying people need to change, just accepting it is one thing, the way it is consumed within me is another.  The digestion of it so to speak. Knowing that I don’t like it and this can be done without a barrage of insults toward others while still letting myself address an issue I want to. I have learned.  I address, I speak my mind clearly and truthfully and openly and honestly and totally completely and then I go on. 

  I know there are those that don’t speak out and don’t explain when asked.  Some just can’t do it and some use the non-speech thing with a fake veil of fear manifested that I can see very well through and most of us can and it is an excuse not to explain.  For me just admitting this to me was very hard. I took it personal. They don’t speak when they just choose not to admit and address.  That is their choice. 

  I have experienced this new me I am speaking of with work and with friendships.  My feelings toward others have changed.  Love is there, acceptance is there but no longer do I feel guilty about accepting and not liking.  I accept and know it is okay not to like yet keep the words of “you’ve got to be kidding-why do you do that” to me and to me alone.  After addressing with a simple  ”I don’t like it and why I don’t like it” I don’t question it I just shut up because I really don’t care for the why anyway, I don’t like it and I know that it is easier for them that way.  I run a tight ship in my head and not many want to be on board there.  Their choice, I like my ship with clean decks. 

  So out of every bad experience comes a good.  This taking care of mom is teaching me to forgive her and myself.  It is teaching me to be humble and teaching me to be sympathetic.  It is also teaching my that fear is anger turned around.  I show anger at her for being ill because the little girl is afraid that mommy is sick and she will eventually die. Also because I dont ‘want to do my chores, I want to go outside and play. Suck it up…deal with it Barbara…it is the stage of life you say you understand and believe in so practice what you preach…told you…I run a tight ship…no room for ninnies as dad would say your WHYMEEEED…that is his made up slang he used when we were little and upset and whining  whymewhymewhyme…he ran Hitler’s ship, he was a dick of a dad in plan english…he now has a body full of guilt and alcohol…

    Taking care of mom is also a lesson I am fighting and I miss having a “life” very much.  Very much. Yet enjoy my time alone with me very much.  Very much.  But out of this I have realized that I am not dad.  Maybe dad isn’t the dad I thought.  Maybe he just didn’t mature past the presentation part. 

  Me, I am and I will.  I have learned that I really like the me I am and really don’t like many things about people in general.  I am learning tolerance.  I am growing.  I also don’t give a rat’s ass who likes the me I am anymore.  I am the one that has to be with me all the time so I have to make me happy.  That one was hard.

  Two nights ago after a brief meditation and a prayer for God to get me through this journey in one mental and physical piece since I am both ways exhausted completely and letting myself cry for a bit.  I then cleared my chakras and Helen came to me. She is the mother of a childhood friend that I have always kept in contact with and loved very deeply knowing her for since I was in my mom’s womb and being 54.  I saw not her as a living soul.  I saw a very dark like a shadowed profile and she turned her face toward me and then it was very clear and bright and she said.  Be kind to your mom – her time is short.  I felt empty inside and exhausted after seeing her and slept. 

  The next morning mom told me “I dreamt I was with Helen and funny thing, we were playing basketball of all things” and she laughed.  I smiled.  Will Helen come for her when the time comes I don’t know but her spirit is watching over me and my mom.  I miss you Helen.  You, I liked everything about.  You were a free spirit and a barrel of laughs with a beautiful smile and the brightest blue eyes I remember so well and you always told the truth and you always were open and I respect that. I love you very much and miss your humanbeing…Huggs to all…gotta get back to work, Sassy

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