UPDATE:  I had the mamogram and IT WAS PERFECTLY FINE……

Today I go for my annual mammogram. I hope all will be well…I hate cancer tests, but all of you know that already. I wanted to mediate last night but am too sick with this awful bug/cold thing to do more than cough and ache. I have to go to the office today. Not only for my own work, one of the ladies is on vacation and I have to do her work too…ugghh…I’m so darned sick…I had two very odd dreams this week. I was on top of this mountain hiding in the trees and it was very dark. I wasn’t frightened of the darkness. Ahead of me in a clearing were about four wolves. I could only see the black silhouette of each of them. They realized I was there and they turned toward me I saw golden eyes and gray and white fur. Then in back of them an enormous burst of flame. They turned to see what it was they heard and it turned to smoke. I awoke….That happened over the weekend. I think on Saturday night…Last night I dreamt I was in the dojo getting Tere’. I entered and in the back I saw him, the one that doesn’t speak with me any longer. He was fixing something and had a hammer in his hand and was with another man I didn’t know. His hair was down to his waist and like silk. He had no shirt on and looked very sexy. He didn’t make eye contact with me but knew I was there. I sat on the floor in the lobby looking at him through the glass sitting cross legged in a circle with others I didn’t know. His daughter sat next to me cross legged and I looked for Tere’ and couldn’t find her. His daughter, the one I took care of for many years sat with her knee touching mine. I felt nothing, no sadness for loosing her, no anger yet, no happiness for her nearness…just nothing but the heat from her knee. He came in the lobby and sat on a long bench so he could look into my eyes and did. I couldn’t read him and opened my mouth to speak and nothing came out. I got up and left. I stood next to some brick buildings I didn’t know where I was and looked in a long window that was a mirror and saw my face and it wasn’t mine. It was rough and ruddy and red and lumpy. I got scared…I awoke…

I feel awful…I have a headache…my throat feels stretched…not sore…stretched…like I swallowed a bowling ball and now the sides are bruised…my muscles hurt and I feel really lousey…I am achey…I am hoping it passes before the 17th…before Florida…that makes me smile…we are so very excited…soon…12 days until sunshine…and fun…I feel like a littel kid I am so excited…I’m gonna rest a lot this weekend…headcold I think….green tea time…huggs….enjoy your weekend…I am hoping I feel up to visitng everyone later…LoveYouGuys…Sassy

I have a new schedule at work…uugghh…now only two days at home…and one day in the main office and two evenings in the main office…still doing the administration for my boss but I have another position as supervisor of another department and I am training and “hands on doing” telemarketing which I haven’t done in close to 13 years…I still don’t like that part of the job…the rest is fine…tired…haven’t posted or visited much…so glad it is Friday tomorrow…I hope I get to sleep a bit…huggs…Sassy

COUNT DOWN…TWO MORE WEEKS until our Florida trip…aahhh…no dirty snow…no scraping ice off the windows…no more falling on my ass when I step outside on the back deck too quickly and clumsily on the ice patches…sunshine…smiles…seafood…dolphin swims…sealions (my totem) swims…parasailing?(nailbiting a bit but a promise is a promise and I did promise Tere’)…the BEACH…the OCEAN…Hemingways house…I can’t wait…I want to order room service and eat in bed and have someone else clean up after me…giggles…four days and four nights…anticipation…huggs…Sassy

 

A DISTANT BEAT by Sassy©

A distant thunder in my mind…like a beat completely out of time..I listen closely to the sound…what it is that I have found…another path I see more clear…the ones behind I still hold dear…time to step in time with the beat and keep on my journey oh so sweet…I have no fear of where I go….I know deep down that this is so…for now is time for me to pace and i have learned this is no race…maybe as I travel I will see…those that left me in my plea…if I do that would be nice…if I don’t I can’t think twice…for each journey turns and I must watch so as not to miss a single drop…I am so thankful for my life…my health holds steady and I know that God and I have made this so…and I continue on my journey….huggs…Sassy   

 

Yesterday was Thursday, January 27, 2005…it was my “SIXTH” ANNIVERSARY CANCER FREE…THANK YOU GOD!!!

CHECK OUT GREYFOX’S SITE…he has been made moderator of the religion/metaphysics forum in one of the newest boards out in Alaska…Here is the link  www.haywoodsflyingcircus.tk  HE WILL DO WELL…

 

I posted this in October, 2002…after reading Palomita’s site…I wanted to again…huggs…Sassy

Please Release Me

by Sassy© Barbara

And So I ask Him, My Angel Dear…Please, Release Me…

And So I listen For My Angel Dear…Does He Hear Me…

I Feel His Presence Come Over Me…A Warmth I’d Like To See…

I Ask Again, My Angel Dear…Please, Release Me…

He Comes Within Me Like Always Before…

His Presence Is Succor…He Whispers In My Ear So Soft…

Only Your Eyes Will Open Your Door…

And So I ask Him, My Angel Dear…Please Release Me Soon

And So I Open My Eyes In Fear And I Am Alone In This Room…

I See The Chains That Bind Me…I Smell The Dread So Near…

I See The Face Of My Warden…And My Thoughts Are So Unclear…

And So I ask Him, My Angel Dear…Why Is This Mirror Here…

And So He Whispers His Voice So Warm…Whom You See Will Set You Free…

And So I Wonder And Ask Myself…When Will You Break The Bind…

And So I Sit In Loneliness…And Ponder The Depths Of My Mind…

My Eyes Are Focused…My Mind Is Set…

My Fear Is Crushing And Strong

I Wonder When I Will Be Free…It Is Up To Me How Long…

The Tears Are Stuck…Just Like My Heart…Covered In The Coldness That I Know

My Smile Has Faded Behind My Screen..And I Wait For The Strength To Grow…

When I’ll Be Free From All Of This Is Only A Choice I’ll Make…

My Heart Will Take Me This I’m Sure…But When I Do Not Know…

I Want To Be Free Of Guilt And Pain…I Want Them To No Longer Take…

I Feel My Angel Depart My Body…His Love Surrounds Me Always…

I Feel My Angel Sit Down Beside Me And Hold My Hand So Tight…I Hear

The Voice Of That Little Girl…The Child Alone With Fright…Please Don’t

Leave Me My Angel Dear…I Need To Know Your There…

He Leans So Close…He Whispers Softly…Remember I Am Always

Near…Only You Can Break Your Binds…Only You Can Go…Only You

Are Strong Inside…This My Dear You Know….

And So I Ask Myself This Time…Please Release Me…

I have been thinking a lot about karma lately. Mine. No one else’s and just what it means to me. I don’t believe karma is a threat or a revengeful thing. I used to. I didn’t understand it then. I only heard people mention it when they were angry at others and would say things like “your damaging your karma and your karma will catch up to you”. I never believed that, I still don’t. I think, for me anyway, karma is my personal thing and I don’t think of others.

Some of it is to me what in this life I feel I must do that I am afraid to that I know I’ll regret if I don’t. I want to do things right in this lifetime. I know I’m not perfect and thinking I’ll do everything right is an impossible quest, but I want to do the best I can. To tell the people in my life that are important to me what I feel they should know. Not that anything will be done with it. That is their choice. But I need to do this to do the best I can on this journey.

 I am thinking now that in the future will I be sorry I never told people the things I feel inside that I think they should know…my heartfelt feelings, maybe I’ll be sorry when they are not in my life anymore and I can’t find them…will I regret this…maybe…if I do tell them…will I regret leaving my emotions so open, maybe, but I know I don’t “need” external confirmation from anyone. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have it, I really would and it would mean the world to me. But I don’t need it. What I do need is internal confirmation from me. Because life is a bumpy journey and walking around the bumps doesn’t make the road smoother and I must go directly over them and learn to face each hurdle. My Mentor taught me that, and in the end what matters is my respect for my own Spirit and my closeness to God.

So in order to do that I must be kind to that white dog so I feed my white dog.

Was food poisoned yesterday. Hit me like a hammer last night…Dear Lord…

It’s morning and my friggin neck hurtz…I fell asleep in the recliner…there must be two feet of this and no sign of it letting up.  The winds are going in circles and you can’t tell which is ocming down and which is going up. While it is beautiful, it is heavy and a lot of work.  I can’t wait until next month…sun…even though it won’t be as warm as summer… it will be nice enough to go on the beach down there.  Up here the beach is covered and cold…I think I must be getting older…for the first winter in my life I am making mental excuses “not” to go outside and play in this.  Usually I can’t wait…well…maybe when Tere’ wakes up I’ll feel differently…huggs everyone

It is snowing still…Silky and her son are snowed in with me andmy family and we are the only one’s awake.  We spent most of the evening helping her little one with a flip book report. My daughter was a great help too. We spent much time with her helping me redesign my page here adn I am very pleased. Tere’ was supposed to go to a swimming pasta party so I have this enormous platter of fresh mozzarella with sundried tomatoes and roasted peppers and fresh sliced italian bread…added a little balsamic vinegar…heated up the blackbean soup and there goes the diet…great day…lunch at the internet cafe’ with organic food…lots and lots of white stuff…shivers…stay warm my friends…huggs…Sassy

We’ve started planning our little vacation. We’ll be leaving on the evening of Thursday, February 17 and will fly into FortLauderdale. We’ll take a trip over to KeyLargo and stay at the Sheridan and have reservations for Friday morning for an instructed visit with the dolphins, Friday afternoon a swim with the “wild” dolphins, Saturday we will do water sports, who knows…maybe even para sailing over the water, a ride on one of those boats with the airplane engines in the back and on Sunday in the morning the everglades and a visit to the ‘Gators, then the tropical bird sanctuary, then YES…SWIMMING WITH THE SEALIONS…I can’t wait…we will relax with dinners in the evening then on Monday we go to KeyWest for a tour of Hemingway’s home.  I haven’t done the exact itinerary yet but these are things we definitely know we want to do…plus of course beach time…pool time…and shopping for a small memory or two…I can’t wait…new digital camera…pictures to come…I will post of course…very excited…huggs to all…enjoy the weekend…Sassy