The whosaidwhatsaidhowsaidwhysaid don’t mean a damned thing here. It is just the outcome.

I dont’ let go of my mistakes easy.  I am learning, but I find that I still judge me on a very strong scale. Guess the good thing is that I learn from my actions that have unsatisfied me completely, and I am learning to accept them and then go on.

Yet there are those I have met in my life that have a different and uncanny approach. They, when confronted with something they have done that has been confusing/wrong/hurtful etc. they become real quiet.  They wait for the storm (emotion) to pass and several days later continually attempt to bring up the subject again with a twist.  Like a new flavored lemonade drink…it wasn’t my fault because….some bull shit story…it was your fault because…(are you joking this isn’t my fault) some of my words are thrown back at me totally out of the content of the inital action, and they actually believe this inside themselves.  They were forced to say and do the awful deed/words they have thrown out because of me or whoever. 

While they probably will live a long comfortable life because they believe they are so correct in their statement and their actions and non actions, they also believe they have totally convinced others (me in this case) that they are correct. (no you haven’t convinced me for a second, but as I have said before I don’t fight with trees). That is their choice.  Me, I know they are full of “whoHA” and I know it was something I wouldn’t do because I know me. I also know I can’t make people act and do what I would deem as “the right thing” to do.  I can either accept or go live alone in a cave away from others. I can only do what I think is right and lay my head down at night and sleep soundly in my own actions.  So, I let the sadness and confusion from the situation go as quickly as I possibly can after processing it and learning not to try and disect it.  There is no understanding the why of it and I totally don’t give a shit as to the why of it,  It happened and now I know what it means really when they say SHIT HAPPENS. It was just not something I would do, ever.

But I learn what the true substance of the person is and this hurts too.  I tend to glamorize people and think they are wonderful and then am disappointed when they don’t reach my expectations, I know, but I am learning. I still accept them and accept whatever differences we may have since we all have them. But I also learn how much of me to let open. I learn that contentment comes in many forms and I am content with my own actions most of the time because I am me and do what I feel I must do.  Yes, many times I have been told that I am a righteous person.  I always have been.  I am still learning to just accept my own differences within myself.

Yet there is still that part of me that thinks that cave looks pretty damned good because in my total being from guts out I just know that their actions and words are just plan hurtful and I am confused and I find that sometimes I feel like a puppy promised this squeak toy that I want so badly and am jumping up in down in my mind like yes…yes…I can’t wait it is finally going to happen for me and then right before my jaws are around it, it is taken away with some dumbass excuse and I realize that no one will help me with that but me and how dare I think that person was going to.  The first thought being how could you do this to me, ouch, and when it is happening that manifestation shows in their eyes.  For a brief second I see that they are actually enjoying how disappointed I am. Rotten isn’t it.

…and the circle it goes round and round and the painted pony goes up and down…we are riding on the carousel of life…some people just act like a dumbass…lol…Sassy

I had a dream last night. 

I drove up to a big field and the grass was green and lush and the sun was shining.  I got out of my car.  It was my car from when I was a teenager.  My first car, a 1969 blue Chevy Camaro with a Black vinyl roof.  I had always called her Camellia the Camaro.  I miss that car.  I think this means I find comfort in my past.  There was a building to my left I wanted to walk toward and I had to go about a four block distance to my left but I chose to walk the perimeter of the field the other way.  I think this means I always make life difficult for myself and don’t think things through. 

The wind started to blow and it was gusty like a tornado.  We had some high winds yesterday which might have put that in my mind but not to this point. It was more of being told that I am being held back that I am holding myself back in life and maybe that my life is spinning like a tornado.  I couldn’t see a hands breath in front of me and dirt flew everywhere but the stinging was tolerable.  There were people talking in groups, stuck with cars and wagons with horses and just in groups all talking and helping one another and smiling through all this.  There was a sense of calmness among them and caring and friendship.  I couldn’t get to them and really didn’t’ try.  I more or less observed while walking.  I was a distance away at all times and alone.  I always feel different than those around me and I think this shows that I feel I don’t’ fit in.  This didn’t make me unhappy.  It was something I accepted and moved on.  In life that is what I do.  I finally reached my destination and was pulled back by the wind and my feet left the ground and I went backward.  No fear, just felt the pulling and I went to the beginning of the walking journey.  I think this means I keep making the  same mistakes over and over or it means I don’t accept change easily.  I am a bit confused as to the interpretation here.  Then I saw John.  He is a childhood friend and also my daughter’s Godfather and was the best man in my wedding and had before moving out west a very close relationship with my daughter’s father.  I was crying in the field and fell.  He lay next to me but not sexually and didn’t touch me and I felt comfort.  Again, comfort from my past. 

Suddenly I felt drained and tired and someone else was holding my wrists and the wind was blowing so strongly and hitting me in the face and I couldn’t make out the features of the person holding my wrists.  It was like an anthesisa was pouring through my veins and I felt myself fall asleep.  I think this means I need to help myself let go, maybe I was holding my own wrists.

I awoke in a building with all my coworkers and there were hallways all over and sofas and I had never been there to my recollection.  I sat on a sofa and one of the girls I work with sat next to me.  She is usually very unfriendly toward me but she smiled in my dream. I remember speaking to her about how slow work was and she agreed there hadn’t been a client all day.  The manager was sprawled across a sofa on the other side of the room.  He looked not the least bit affected by the lack of business we were generating.  I think this is my fear of loosing my income.  My fear of becoming a bag lady some day and not being able to support myself. 

I was outside again walking toward my car and it was beautiful and sunny and the car was in the woods and I smelled the fresh air and was smiling.  The woods has always made me smile. I opened the back door and there was a basket with a grasshopper in it. He was waving at me and I smiled and shut the door and opened the front door. There were a few bugs I almost touched with no fear and moved my hand not to disturb them. The wind had blown them in I was thinking and there were frogs all over.  I couldn’t understand how they got there because the windows were shut.  I opened all four of the windows and walked some distance away not to frighten anything and let them have an opportunity to leave on their own before I did.  I think this is a form of accepting things I can’t change and maybe some how new life.  I don’t know why but that is what I am thinking. 

I looked down and realize I didn’t have my coat.  It is warm out but I am upset because I must go back and get my coat I don’t want to leave it.  I have no bra on and wearing a black shirt and my nipples are showing and I feel so self conscious about going back but want to get my coat I need my coat.  I think this means I am having a hard time accepting change (getting the coat when it is warm and needing my coat).  Also, it shows my lack of self esteem and poor thoughts on my appearance (again…needing my coat to cover me).  I have always felt I am extremely unattractive and try not to call attention to myself for that reason.  Having no bra and feeling like someone will look at me with, of course, disgust, my first thought always, makes me nervous.  I need to accept myself is what I am seeing here.  I awake….I think of Mother Mary…she is watching over me I think. Dreams can be helpful and sad at the same time…hugs, Sassy

On the way down the hall to the other side of the building I noticed the door on the left opening  “ut-oh” the one they refer to as “crazy” came out and you could see the static in her aura. Going through her changes and the loss of her dad over the holidays has sent her into a turmoil. She is so very in love with her physical being that she tends to loose sight of the fact she is now 50 and still wears very tight clothing for a very younger person. Be that as it may, though she fights with everyone in the entire company, she never fights with me, I won’t allow it. I have always stepped back. It would be like fighting with a tree. So, I don’t fight with trees. My dad is an alcoholic with a tongue sharper than a warrior’s sword, I learned the hard way, but I learned.

She smiles and I smile. She says “Hi sweetie” and I say “hi” and continue hopefully to walk past her. This is not going to happen. She stops me by gently grabbing my arm when we pass one another. She starts,
I have to tell you since we are both Scorpion’s so you’ll understand.” I hear this EVERY time she speaks to me that she and I are the same sign. Why does this person have to be the same sign? It is her opening in every conversation we have ever had, as limited as they are. I just look at her. She has on top of everything else a screeching voice that sounds like nails on a black board it grates on everyone and obviously herself since she is always ready to POP.

My words and hers’ are straight typed – my thoughts and actions are in italic:

“You know my dad died recently”.  I say,  ”I know, I am so sorry for your loss”. I step forward. She continues holding my arm…let me go please…I say nothing. “I bought myself a huge huge cross and wore it. It looked like Madonna’s cross you know I always tell you I look like Madonna.”  She laughs and lets go of my arm and affectionately brushes her own hip. ”I do honey, look at me.” You look like a slightly overweight person in her middle ages wearing a teenager’s clothing and the breath of youth has started to leave you. She says “well it brought me absolutely no good luck and I was furious and at the end of the day I ripped the son of a bitch off my neck and threw it on the floor.” Thoughts of the exorcist movie ”and I said fuck you, you son of a bitch. I had no good luck with you today”. and she laughs. She truly is nuts, no doubt about it. I don’t care what religion she is or what she believes in but obviously she is crazy. I say to me what would God want me to say. So I say slowly ”I remember you are brought up in Italy, so I assume your Christian correct?” She says “yes” I continue “I am not one to discuss religion but I was brought up to believe that Christian’s wear a cross in remembrance that Jesus died for them and not for good luck. Just as a remembrance with love.” She looks at me like I have a hole in my head.  “Honey, I didn’t even win a scratch off” I remark, Jesus didn’t even have shoes so I don’t think that is important to him.  I think what are you doing why are you talking to the tree and I continue like a moron,  “Good thing is God will forgive you for your temper tantrum because we are all his children and he loves you” and she remarks ”I’m not a child.” I smile and say “I know but we are all children of God”. and then she says “thank you”  for what, what are you thanking me for.  So I smile, take advantage of the moment and walk really quickly away. But it pissed me off that she is that crazy. I don’t want to be exposed to crazy. I have mom at home already and that is crazy enough. I was crazy talking to her I should have said that’s nice and kept walking what is wrong with me. Geesh I’m not mad at her I’m mad at me.

Later that day I am doing the UPS delivery for the day and I see her sitting in front of the first floor coffee station on the floor with her legs bent and crossed in Indian fashion and rifling through the cookie bin with a vengance. Again I see that static infested aura she is wearing and it is brown and gray and all over the place moving. She decides on a package of oreos and then starts wrestling with the end of the package to open it.  This took several minutes since it was a top opening package.  she is able to rip open the end of the pack and shovels several cookies in her mouth. In mid chew she stops jumps up and runs to, of course, me at the front desk. “Look, look, look. It took me so long and it was so hard to open the package and there are so many cookies missing.” Of course there are you idiot this is a top opening package for freshness and people open the top and seal it. I look at her and that evil little girl from my childhood seeps in. I have two sisters siblings can be mean, I can be mean if I want, maybe I’m crazy, maybe we are all crazy. I look at her and say as I watch the crumbs in the corner of her mouth. “You didn’t eat any did you.?” She remarks, “I ate a few, just a few, why.”  I continue,  ”Well, there are definitely cookies missing, maybe it is tampered with.” She asks, “What is that, what does it mean, tampered?” She comes from Europe and has a certain challenge with the language, this I respect and it is the only thing I respect about her. It is hard to learn two languages. I look at her and say “Poisoned, maybe it is poisoned.” She has very large eyes to begin with and they turn into lunch plates larger than coffee saucers actual lunch plates and she sucks in air and chokes on a few crumbs. I say nothing. I wait. I figure, God saved my life from cancer, I owe him this because he is too good to mess with a crazies head.  Me, I am having no problem with it. The desk girl leans over and socks me in the arm. “What is wrong with you?” She is of course hysterical laughing but still helpful, she looks at the nut. “Don’t listen to her, they aren’t poisoned they open from the top, look.” and she demonstrates. Nutso says, “You don’t understand it took me really long to open the side and now they are missing.” “No,” the desk girl tries hopelessly again, they open from the top not the side.” Again, the crazy starts, ”NO they weren’t opened, I opened them.” I continue straight faced staring at her. The desk girl gives a final attempt while demonstrating “They NEVER open the sides anymore, these are top opened for freshness. This has been eaten out of before, I ate some before. They are not poisoned.”  She exclaims, are you ready for this one, your not going to believe it,  ”Oh, thank God”. Excuse me, what did you just say. She grabs a handful of cookies and leaves the cookie package on the desk and runs into the lobby. The desk girl looks at me and starts laughing, “I can’t believe you did that. Just tell me why.” I looked at her and was not going to attempt the explanation, I simply said, “I don’t know” and I go the other way. Maybe I am crazy but sometimes things make me feel better, even if it is just for a bit of time.

Think I’ll have a cookie…hugs, Sassy

Today is a wonderful day for me – it marks a hurdle for me that I was unsure if I would reach – I have reached my tenth year today, 1/27/09, is my tenth year cancer free.  After eight years I was no longer “high risk” and that marked a big hurtle.  I relief seeped through me at that time - yet this double digit is so special.  Of course, the overhead looming is there – I am thankful I’m still here to be loomed over. I am thankful for today and I am very, very happy. I remember the fear very well and still feel it during every test “looming” – I have one out there right now – story of my life. But the good thing is I am here to be loomed over.  Still, I remember a young girl that the oncologist had me speak with shortly after my surgery. She was a psychologist and I saw her only once.  I didn’t go back, maybe I should have but I felt she was so young and never having experienced this, what did she know, I still remember something she told me and it stuck with me, it angered me at that time but it stuck with me.  She told me you are trying to piece yourself back together the way you “used to be” and you are not what “you used to be”. I was frightened by this. As with anything else – age brings wisdom. I realize now how off the mark she really was for me.  The way I interpret things.  Not that she couldn’t have helped someone else, just not the me I am.  I needed to be told I was the same person.  I needed to know I would be me.  Now I realize that her words were the same for all, she just didn’t know it. For me it is like who of us is what we used to be?  No one of course. It is part of the growing process. So pieces don’t’ fit the same.  This isn’t always a bad thing.  Every turn of life changes things for each and every one of us.  I was not a broken puzzle because I was ill once, I was a growing healing person.  As we all are at times in our lives.

I remember coming out of surgery and knowing not many would believe me yet I knew full well with every ounce of my being this was true.  I had seen my Aunt Marie.  She was there during the surgery.  She had passed away several years before I was ill and I was holding her hand when she died. She is my Godmother and I miss her still.  I love her.  But I know she was there in surgery with me I had seen her clearly. She was in the corner of my right side by my feet and without talking she told me clearly I would be well. I felt a relaxed seeing her and knowing what she was telling me.  There were people around me, the doctors and nurses and the voices were mumbled and I couldn’t make any of them out and the light was so bright over the table that I could see it through my eyelids and then my eyes went directly to my feet and I remember the distinct smell of roses and seeing Mother Mary at the foot of my surgical table surrounded by white light and a feeling of awe coming over me.  WOW was my thought.  I had been praying to Mary.  My mom is ill and has not been herself for many years and I didn’t have a strong support system at that time and I was told by my priest that Mary is all of our mother, pray to her, she will help you. And she did.  I remember just “knowing” that Thaddeus a/k/a Teddy (my guardian angel that I have spoken to as far back as childhood and is always there for me especially when I’m frightened. Yet I still haven’t seen him) and he was in my right hand corner by my shoulder and telling me don’t be afraid I am here you’ll be okay. I could hear his voice whispering in my ear.  That is all I remember. 

After surgery as before when I found I was ill I felt the fear, clearly I remember the fear. It is awful. You wake in the morning and it “HITS” you in the face.  cancer the word, the horrible fear.  I didn’t do well with the fear.  My inner spirit was very frightened and I didn’t even think about being brave.  I wanted to cover my head and make it go away. That feeling of being completely helplessly out of control of my own destiny.  I was forced to learn the true meaning of giving it to God and letting it go. I will admit I never really did accomplish that. Paths we cross. I pray every day that it does not come back. I am so happy that I am here. My daughter is not nine anymore like when I was ill.  Now she is nineteen and I am here. She has blossomed before me and I am here. I have grown too learned that I love me. I truly love me. I want to be here for a very long time. To see myself get older and to see my daughter and other loved ones grow. To be…just to be…when I was healing after the surgery removing the cancer and going through the treatments…ugghhh…I felt for many months a warm feeling over my whole entire body.  I no longer looked at people the same. Didn’t look at their clothes or their bodies or their hair.  I loved everyone so much and I found beauty in everyone.  I was so elated and happy with life even through the fear.  As the weeks went that love for mankind it started to fade and I cried a bit inside because I was sad.  Still happy I was here but feeling that cynical me was returning.  Human nature is we are what is around us mostly unless we direct to change that.  Life gets in the way sometimes and we don’t change that and keep on keeping on.  I will get that feeling back and this time hopefully not because I am ill or healing from being ill, just because it felt so good and I want it. 

I want to say thank you Xanga Land friends for holding my hand through so many of my fearful times and giving me the opportunity to know that I can express myself and there are those out there that truly understand and care. Thank you God for me still being here on my tenth anniversary without the demon…hugs, Sassy

I am referring to “Practice What You Preach”…so my daughter has a boyfriend.  She has dated in the past but this one seems a bit more serious, actually lasted a month now and he is a very nice person.  Putting himself through school.  Respectful to his parents.  Same age as Tere’.  Hard working at his job.  Kind and very nice to my daughter.  I don’t say much.  Usually at this age if she finds we like him she’ll not and I want her to like or not like him based on herself.  Me, I like him.  From what I see so far, and I don’t really get too involved at her age, only if she comes to me.  But he seems to be a very well rounded sweet young man and he makes her laugh and smile and at 19 laughing and smiling is what you should be doing as far as I’m concerned. Anyway, it was their “one month dating” and she apparently was “himming and hawing” in her head as to whether or not to get him something (she tells me the next day) she wanted to get him a rose but thought he’d think she was weird so she didn’t.  Well, they go ice skating and he brings her two roses as a gift to celebrate they have been dating for a month and now she riddles herself with “guilt” because she didn’t get him anything…wonder where she learned that practice.  The next day she tells me about the roses and what she had wanted to do and what she didn’t do and blahblahblah.  I listen and tell her what she did wrong was three things.  First she didn’t do what she wanted to do for fear he wouldn’t like her.  Everyone she has a relationship with must know who she really is and it doesn’t matter if they like or dislike her, she is who she is and they most likely will like her anyway in the long run you have to like yourself and if your not yourself that isn’t good, always be who you are.  Second, you were not honest with you.  Always be honest with yourself and in any relationship you have whether it be work, friendship, a lover, a partner, whatever.  Third, you were given a gift to smile and be happy about and you went under the tree of happiness looked up at the fruit and   one said WOW this is wonderful to be treated nice, one said He is so sweet and I am happy to be dating him, another said I am happy because he wants me to have it and likes me and I am a good person. Then there was a rotted ugly piece that said, gee I feel awful, I shoulda/coulda/woulda and that is the fruit you took.  She laughed.  I said, now you do what you want to do, but if it was me I would text him (that typing for people with xray vision on telephones that I can not master) and I would tell him that you love the roses and funny thing is…and tell him you wanted to get one for him too and didn’t and felt badly and all your thoughts on it.  Clear the air for yourself or it will cause a balloon in your belly.  She did and he wrote back that she didn’t have to give him anything and that he just wanted to make her happy and she smiled and..the end…so…my lesson, I pick a lot of bad fruit for myself every time I have a choice and that isn’t a good thing for me.  I like nice fruit too.  I am going picking…huggs…love Sassy

Last night I dreamt I was in my driveway at the home I grew up in.  There was a little white dog tied to a very long leash – I am thinking Suzette my poodle that was a runner so she was left out only supervised and on a long leash.  I looked back and saw a very large brown gorilla.  I felt a sadness come over me – he seemed alone in the world.  I watched him and wondered where he would go.  He had his back to me.  He started walking away and then to the right and I started walking straight so as not to be in his eye sight.  He came to water – there is no water in my yard I grew up in that area.  It was like a brook that opened to a lake.  He went under the water – the water was clear and I could see the green algae and brown mud under it.  I suddenly was frightened and started slowly walking toward the door to my house.  He looked up and saw me.  He started walking toward me.  I carefully kept my eyes averted and continued to walk.  I walked slow so as not to let him “feel my fear”.  He walked a bit faster and I felt my heart beating.  I woke up. 

I am thinking this means that there is something in my life I view as large and frightening though it probably isn’t something to be that afraid of.  I am avoiding whatever the situation is because I am frightened of it.  It comes to me because it is really nothing to fear and I must face this and must look it right in the eye.  Now only to figure out what it is.  Hmmm…

Sassy

I haven’t written in a bit.  I had a colonoscopy which I got very sick from – that never happened before and I am perfectly fine now and the results are purrfectly fine too…happy me…January 27 marks ten years cancer free I also must have helped mom get up in a position that my body felt unsuitable and ended up pinching a nerve in my lower back OUCH.  I couldn’t move for well over a week – the chiropractor helped but even with that it took time.  It was so bad I took a prescription that the gastro doctor gave me when she was reading me my wonderful results and wrote out for me cause I was in so much pain and going to the chiropractor after her Just in case – I thought I wouldn’t need it – well I did and it was tylenol with codeine – I took two and the entire room spun like I was on a ferris wheel – how awful – won’t do that again and today – I hurt just a tad – I’m getting better – thankfully.  My mom has a bit of a cold and Tere had terrible asthma problems for the first time in a very long time – geesh – made soup the other day and added onions to open the lungs – carrots for the betocarotene – red beans for protein – celery for sweetness – potatoes because I like them and tomatoes for the broth which I mixed with chicken broth.  I spiced it up with italian seasonings – garlic powder – thyme lots and lots of oregano for mood change and a touch of cayenne to open the sinuses – I served it over little ditalinni pasta – it was very good and everyone enjoyed it.  Rather cold today – I go to work after working at home for two weeks on Tuesday – me – my bag and A NEW ATTITUDE a happy thankful attitude – after all – I am very thankful – my tests were good and I am truly a blessed person.  hugs to all…Sassy

Santa was here…our heat in the basement wasn’t working.  We decided to call a plumber. Were saving for one to come.  I went to wash a load of laundry and felt warm.  I checked the thermostat.  I had it “cranked up” for a very long time.   The temperature was 80degrees.  I lowered the heat…it is amazing…it is working. Santa must have stopped last night while we were asleep and fixed it…Thank you Santa…I am very happy and I can walk barefoot upstairs now because the floors are warm. 

Merry Christmas

The Legend of the Candy Cane


Look at the Candy Cane
What do you see?
Stripes that are red
Like the blood shed for me
White is for my Savior
Who’s sinless and pure!
“J” is for Jesus, My Lord, that’s for sure!
Turn it around
And a staff you will see
Jesus my shepherd
Was born for Me!

Many years ago, a candy maker wanted to make a candy at Christmas time that would serve as a witness to his Christian faith. He wanted to incorporate several symbols for the birth, ministry and death of Jesus. He began with a stick of pure white hard candy; white to symbolize the Virgin Birth and the sinless nature of Jesus; hard to symbolize the solid rock, the foundation of the Church; firmness to represent the promise of God. The candymaker made the candy in the form of a “J” to represent the name of Jesus, who came to earth as our Savior. He thought it could also represent the staff of the Good Shepherd, with which he reached down into the ditches of the world to lift out the fallen lambs who, like all sheep, have gone astray.

Thinking that the candy was somewhat plain, the candymaker stained it with red stripes. He used three small stripes to show the stripes of the scourging Jesus received, by which we are healed. The large red stripe was for the blood shed by Christ on the cross so that we could have the promise of eternal life. Unfortunately, the candy became known as a candy cane – a meaningless decoration seen at Christmas time. But the true meaning is still there for those who have eyes to see and ears to hear.
Author Unknown