For the past ten years I have learned and have been trying to subdue the “ego” part of me.  I have learned for me it will be a full time job.  I find it easier as time goes by but it is something I need to address all the time.  I tend to get emotionally hurt quickly and I know this is to do with my ego.  I have learned I can’t control the way people act toward each other. I have nothing to do with it.  I have learned it is best to accept these things.  Not that I have to like them and not that I have to live with them, but I have to accept that is the way they are.  With age comes wisdom.  As I get older I believe this.  One of the perks.  Only the younger folk don’t listen to you. LOL

I was once told that everyone has a puzzle piece missing.  Something to deal with.  If you like the puzzle you play with it and ignore that hole.  Geesh I have always had a hard time with that missing piece.  Lately I have realized that I don’t have a piece missing.  I have several pieces missing.  Geesh, recycle time or what.  I am accepting that.  I am working on the pieces that are there and “oh well” on the ones that aren’t.  Maybe I should elaborate.  One of the managers in the location I work at has always treated me poorly.  Several reasons.  One is also that I don’t like him either and I would assume it is all over my face.  The window to my soul.  He starts fires.  If an employee comes to him with a situation, instead of trying to put the little fire out, he repeats this to the other person involved and basically fuels the fire.  I used to get so damn angry at him.  Being me, I never quietly went to him and said:  Can I make a suggestion? Then calmly told him.  NO.  I would say something along the lines of: What the Hell is wrong with you.  Your a flame thrower.  Geesh.  I guess he wouldn’t like me.  My puzzle piece is missing here.  When he would do something to me I would react the same way.  He did many things to me. Many.  Recently he has taken it upon himself to share my work station.  I understand I am only there two days a week and in another location one day and at home two days.  I have no problem sharing.  I shared a bedroom with my sister growing up and she was the bitch from hell.  Of course I wasn’t (shhrr…) anyway.  I really don’t mind sharing.  Only the woman comes in technically at 12 to 8 and I have been coming in at 9 to use the computer for my work for three hours and she seems to have this problem where she is afraid to drive on the highway.  Her husband drops her off.  She sits at the desk and eats cereal and yogurt by 8:45 and for three hours and 15 minutes talks on her cell phone.  Plays on the internet and doesn’t shut the >>>>up!!!! I live far and 9 is early for me.  I asked her several times if she could go to the lunch room or somewhere else so I can get my work done.  She either ignores me and won’t move or slides the chair to the side and says here use the computer and won’t get her >>>>ass out of the chair.  I am the type of person that can NOT say anything at first because I’m a “lasher”.  It wouldn’t come out “can you please let me sit there too” it would come out “you selfish pig get up” I am sorry but I am my father’s daughter and I am not proud of that.  Another piece missing.  I have gone through life figuring people should know how to act.  I know.  Logically that is reasonable but let’s face it, it isn’t realistic.  So. I have this huge bag now with my stapler and files and all my work in it and I go up and down the stairs computer begging for two days a week.  I have reached one of my biggest fears. I am now really a bag lady. lmao.  I am very dear friends with the owner since I was 11 and her and I have an agreement over the past 26 years.  I work for her company, I don’t go to her unless it is extremely urgent.  I follow the ladder of authority.  I totally agree and I totally understand.  But the ladder of authority is him when I am in his location.  I live far from all locations and this is the closest.  Since they accommodate my situation with my mother I need to stay here now for her.  I swallowed my disgust and calmly presented my case.  Actually, he was more than understanding as he has his laptop and goes to his two locations and has no computer lacking issues at all.  While he is at this particular location he basically pushes his staff off their computers with a “get up for a second, I need that computer” and never uses his lap top anyway.  I didn’t’ think I’d get far.  He said I should talk to my direct boss.  So I called him.  My direct boss is a soft spoken, hard working man that is also now part owner.  I calmly presented my case that I have no work station and can not be as productive to the company as I’d like.  I truly don’t want to work home two more days a week.  The aide is only there with mom when I work and I need to get away.  Anyone being a full time caregiver understands this completely.  Going to work is like going out for me.  It is my going out for now.  So he says he understands.  He will take care of it.  I even went as far as to offer my daughter’s old lap top to myself during working hours if they would load the vpn system in it,  I would use it.  The computer director called and we tried to do this.  It is so very old that we can not load it with our vpn program.  The next day he (the manager-not my direct boss) calls me in his office and shows me a brand new lap top.  He says he doesn’t want me to get mad that this is his and he will make arrangements for me to get his old oneand asks if this is that gonna “piss me off”.  I bit my lip at his attitude and told him truthfully.  I don’t care if it is used.  I am thankful to have a working computer.  Thank you.  When can I get your old one.  Well, his new one is one of those mini things and we need 14″ screens for our programs so it doesn’t work for the vpn either.  So now, mr. I have two computers is running around bumping his staff to use their computers where ever his >>>ass is and not using either lap top and I am the bag lady in the hall waiting for someone to get done then going home and staying up half the night to finish my work.   I have come to the conclusion that I can not change this until they want to.  I wrote an email politely to my direct boss telling him the situation hasn’t changed and I was wondering what the status of me getting a computer is. He hasn’t answered yet.  This week the jerk manager announced that he is giving a luncheon to the staff on Friday after Christmas as his gift to the staff.  Yes, of course I didn’t chip in for his gift. ugh…well, I mentioned I can’t be there I have to work home and take care of mom.  I never expected him to change the date for me I just wanted him to say something nice.  Say something like.  Gee Barb, I’m sorry. No…I got a SO? Why do I expect him to treat people the way he should.  He treats everyone the same and really grates with me.  But that is my ego and my problem.  I walked away and after the acid in my stomach settled I actually laughed.  Gee, I am getting better.  My ego yawned.  This is a good thing.  Sometimes God puts us in a situation where we have to walk a path with others that we truly have a chemical IMbalance with.  I am on that path and would assume he is too.  He can not understand why I won’t argue anymore.  I have actually come to a point that I don’t’ want to.  Only, the bad thing is I know this is aggravating him and I am getting very much pleasure out of that and that isn’t good.  That feed the bad dog thing. Ego problem again.  Damned puzzle piece is missing. Anyone got some putty for these big holes.  

From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics.
It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember.

-The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.

-Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.

-Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.

-The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John.

-The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.

-The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.

-Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit–Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership and Mercy.

-The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.

-Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit–Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-Control.

-The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments.

-The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.

-The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles’ Creed.

So there is your history for today. This knowledge was shared with me and I found it interesting and enlightening and now you know how that strange song became a Christmas Carol…so pass it on if you wish.’

Merry (Twelve Days of) Christmas Everyone  

Huggs…Sassy

GROWING UP: I can’t remember you before I was three only because I can’t remember before then.  I remember us playing in the back yard and having a bug cemetery.  I remember the toy rollercoaster you tried to ride in my living room and your foot went through the wall…lol…Camping in your back yard and your mom checking to see if we were okay. Saturday nights when your dad would take the three of you and the three of us kids to the pizza bar and while we waited he would have a brew and order us all rootbeer.  I remember your older brother coming home from the war and me seeing the pig on the spigot and I was sick by it and wouldn’t’ eat it.  I remember our first kiss at four when our sisters told us to and then teased us unmercifully.  I remember you showing off in the pool and doing a “sailor dive” then not coming up and me screaming and your mom running over and the ambulance and you were gone for a real long time at the hospital and I was waiting on your back porch many days later wondering what it felt like to be stitched and how on earth they got your head in an electric sewing machine…when you came home and you weren’t paralyzed as the adults feared you just had a really bad headache and a concussion.  My Gomer Pyle book came in the mail that day and I wrapped it up with my favorite rock with a painted heart on it and gave it to you.  I remember playing darts.  I remember the fat kid up the street and the bully from the other block stealing my homemade easter basket and throwing it in the brook on the way home and pushing me down and you getting it back for me and chasing them away then teaching me how to wrestle.  I weighed about sixty pounds but you taught me to move like a rocket…no one picked on me after that…I remember in the woods that day I was crossing the brook alone to go home and I caught a glimpse of you and the cool guys of the eighth grade and I was not cool and one boy was behind the tree with his “winkie” out and I thought “eww…what a jerk” he was waiting for her the “cool girl” and showing off about it and I looked him right in the eye and wouldn’t look away I froze on that rock and refused to be starred down then the tallest boy, Matt came up to me in the brook on the rocks and I was up to his chest and he said “you saw nothing” and I said “yes I did” and you said, “leave her alone she is cool” and you said “Barb, go home okay” so I did…but I was thinking I wasn’t scared - I was though and you were too I was just to young to realize it.  I remember going to your house in eighth grade and she was their your first girlfriend and you said you’d call me later and you never did and we never played again…and I cried on the way home and cried myself to sleep and wondered why you didn’t want’ to play with me anymore then your second girlfriend came and went and over the years we saw each other and always smiled…after your dad died we emailed for awhile…your mom and I became email buddies I loved her so…she died this week…your sister called me…I brought my mom and met my younger sister and her husband at the wake…I visited her coffin in sadness and prayed and told her in my mind Godspeed Helen…safe travel in God’s arms…I will miss you and I have always loved you…I saw your sister and couldn’t not hug her and then your older brother and hugged him too…the memories of childhood comfort washed over me…our eyes met and yours filled with tears and you thanked me for coming your estranged wife respectfully by your side – she didn’t know who I was at first I guess we all age … lol …then I hugged you as hard as possible and told you I love you dear friend…I am so sorry for your loss…during our visit you looked at me for comfort…I asked for your email address which I had lost over the past year and you asked for mine which was lost when your main drive went down…I am glad I know you in my life…paths go side by side and cross and side by side and cross and over sometimes and sometimes they just go differently…I am so sorry for your pain…you are the best she could have hoped for and your mom knows how you love her…heal yourself dear friend…as for me…I miss you…and I have always wondered what it would have been like if things were different…  Sassy

I come here and I have so much to say and can’t get it down on paper – not like me at all – my mind is rushing too fast – mom got sick in may with pneumonia – put in hospital – then rehab – this is the second weekend they let her come home – back to rehab tomorrow – in a few weeks she’ll be well enough to come home permanently they said but she caught c-dif and this is the fourth time she has it – poor dear – I feel alone and scared over things lately – like I no longer have control – nacho isn’t well – Tere’ is so grown up I miss our talks – but she is a wonderful daughter and I’m proud of her – my marriage hasn’t changed – don’t think it ever will – my friends have busy exciting lives – I have painted myself into a corner of obligation – but I wouldn’t not help mom for the world – she actually is better now than she has been in years – just waiting for her to be released – going to get help too this time – while I’m at work – an aide they said – that’ll give me peace of mind – but I worry she’ll get sick again – my mind rushes – I feel very lonely tonight…:( – not a fun summer – I usually have a good sense of humor and a nice upbeat attitude about things – I must be over tired…:( will try and visit my friends here soon – they probably think I disappeared – but with work and going to the rehab at night I am tired – I feel a lacking in my life …

Henrietta and Woody on my roof…

HAPPY EASTER….

Saturday is International Angel Day.  Last year I spent it alone only knowing one area it was being celebrated and not feeling comfortable there.  This year I did research and found another location, closer to home and in a bookstore…since I love to read the atmosphere I am creating in my mind is already comfortable.  I can’t wait.  I am going to enjoy being with others that are in some way similar to myself.

I am working at home today.  Yesterday I had to go up north and mom was unbearable.  I was over an hour late.  Today she is good.  I think that subconsciously she is frightened when I leave.  She is never alone for more than one to two hours and checked on even then.  I don’t think she means it but I have to admit it pisses me off so much.  Especially knowing my two blood sisters are calmly in work on time and furthering their careers.  Mine, at a stand still…why do I do this to me…I am not sure or I wasn’t but I think I know now…maybe because this isn’t the career I am supposed to further…there is something more substantially rewarding out there for me…I know what it is…today I ask Tere’ and Silky to give me time over the weekend to set up my power point…Silky will also take pix for my poster and I will call the public library and reserve time for myself after my work is complete.  I can’t do that mentally until I know what I am saying…just in case they give me a too early date…so I am preparing my Reiki seminar…

BettyBoop got ill about a week ago but thankfully bounced back.  I only have the four guinea pigs now.  I also have two turtles, one fish and my lovely two dogs.  I am so blessed.  My daughter is a college student now.  She is commuting by train and she also started a wonderful new job.  She is back in the dojo teaching karate and I haven’t seen her so happy since she stopped doing this.  Barefoot, in a ghee and so completely at home.  Her new boss speaks broken English.  He is Korean.  He is extremely respectful and polite and my daughter feels very welcome at his place of business though she has some trouble comprehending.  She’ll catch on I have no doubt.  She is training for an upcoming demonstration.  She is also being taught TaeKwonDance which is from Korea and she will be eventually teaching that along with the curriculum of TaeKwonDo.  She is a third degree and takes it very seriously.  She is on the sparring team, they do olympic style.  She is going to be on the demonstration team too…she is happy.

Me…I feel a split in the road…something is a brewing and it is a good thing.  I went in to such a depression after Kwon and Tae passed.  I miss them terribly.  I know it was their time but I wasn’t ready.  We never are.  But I know that the future is opening for me.  I dreamt last night of a bathroom which was not furnished in my taste at all.  It was black marble with gold swirls and little brass animals were placed on the ledge of the tub.  The animals kept falling over and I kept meticuously setting them up at the edge of the deep square step in tub.  I wasn’t frustrated.  I felt a feeling of need to do this.  I felt like I belonged and it was my bathroom…my take…change…something I was afraid to believe…something richer/better/more rewarding…with tiny little steps that must be taken to progress…I meditated this morning and opened myself up not to hear what was being told but to sound what I wanted to hear within my every cell and being…I deserve…I am so healthy and happy and content and secure and I deserve…I have a right to myself to believe this…it is my truth…I will continue to absorb this…I pictured myself walking along a path of sunshine barefoot and warm…my entire being was relaxed and I felt that I could handle to the best of my being any obstacles in my path…that is a beginning…have a wonderful Friday…hugs…Sassy