The First Time,,,

I felt his hand rise up my back I leaned in toward his palm…

 I felt his breath upon my neck and all my thoughts were gone…

I felt his warmth and smelled his scent and once again i yearned…

He held me close and took me home and I felt my world begin to turn…

We floated up above our selves…a flight of exqusite lust…

Then came together full of love and a feeling of complete trust…

We feathered down to the shores of life and held each other near…

Our eyes they met and spoke to each without a sound for us to hear…

A look was all that was needed for us to see our selves as one…

We knew that our love…our story…our time had only just begun…

©Sassy…

Aunt Theresa passed over on Monday.  She had just turned 80 on February 3.  While over the past several years she has suffered with emphysema and diabetes, she also endured the pain of dialysis twice weekly.  The veins in her arms had long been destroyed as were the shunts, and there was a tube in her neck they were using as the entrance to help her survive.  Through all of this she never stopped smiling and being thankful for her life.  The day before she passed on she had won three games of bingo.  That day, Monday, they laid her down on the table to start her dialysis treatment and it was as if someone unplugged a wire from the wall.  No heart attack, no pain, just “stop”…her heart stopped.  They tried to revive her but they could not. It was her time to go.  While we grieve her and love her very much…she lived a full life.  She had five loving children, ten loving grand children and nineteen loving great grand children.  She loved all of them with all her heart.  In all my life I never met anyone that didn’t love my Aunt Theresa.  My mom’s older sister.  My mom, she suffers from Parkinson’s Disease, took it hard, but she did okay.  She too is a fighter.  She too loves with all her heart.  I miss you Aunt Theresa, but I know fully in my being that you are exuberantly happy in heaven.  While at the wake, I read a poem.  It helped me so much to release the sorrow from my heart.  At the grave yard, it was so thick with fog, like pea soup.  Then the light shown through a great sun ray.  It was Aunt There smiling down on all of us.  There was standing room only at the funeral parlor.  For 80, that is quite something considering most of her friends have passed on…then again, 90 percent were probably family…totally loving family.  It was amazing.  How many people loved, respected and will miss her…she was amazing.  After the priest blessed the coffin and the flowers were put on top and the people were leaving (83 attended the repast dinner), I was standing next to my Uncle Joe’s grave. (mom and aunt Theresa’s younger brother).  His youngest was next to me, Tammi (I have 17 first cousins), anyway I bent over and cleaned the stone and it hit me…the dream I have had at least three times…I looked at Tammi and told her…I dreamt three times of your Dad, the silliest dream:

He is sitting at a picnic bench in the woods and all these people are around him having fun and he is like so angry because Frank Sinatra is singing in the background “I did it my way”…he is shaking his head in disgust and anger.  Then I wake up.

Tammi’s mouth drops open and she says to me…”Oh My Gosh”…that is so weird…my X husband, my dad really disliked him and called him a two bit hood…a bubble gum gangster…and that song was my X’s favorite and every time it went on the radio it infuriated my dad…he didn’t like my X very much”…I said, he still doesn’t…we laughed…

so…I guess it really wasn’t a dream…Uncle Joe really was there…I miss you too…huggs…Sassy

I was floating backward on a sea of white milky waves.  The were hundreds of feet over me.  I wasn’t frightened and that was odd.  The water was warm and soothing and I smelled the sea.  I was on the deck of a large ship.  To my right was a man on a cell phone.  He faced away from me and was speaking to someone and he wore jeans and a Tshirt and stood about 5’8″ or 5’9″.  I turned to face in front of me and there was a large hot tub.  On the left side was a gold plaque that read Pope John Paul.  I touched the lid and the man told me not to, that it belonged to the Pope.  I looked over the tub and a man with dark hair stood petting a golden retriever.  To my left was a small pool and there was a little white dog with a black collar barking at someone under the water.  He put his head under the water and continued to bark and I realized he was breathing under the water.  The person was a young teen aged girl and she walked toward the dog and came out of the water and lifted the dog in her arms laughing and kissing the dog.  She sat on a bench in the water and played with the dog.  Next to her was a woman and a man.  The woman said to the man he looked sad today and he smiled a bit then placed his hand over hears but his mind was some where else.  It was as if they didn’t know I was there. 

I was sitting in a small room with a wall of windows.  The man on the cell phone was sitting there too.  He had a cat on his lap standing on its’ hind legs and rubbing its’ nose affectionately on the man.  I asked if it was his cat.  He said, no he had to leave his wife and family and cat.  That they were no longer with him.  He said this cat visited him.  Suddenly Bougs and Whiskey, my cats that both have passed over were on my lap rubbing playfully and I was hugging them and petting them and so very happy.  I told the man that they were my cats and he said he knew.  I told him all about how they first came to live with me many years ago.  He smiled and listened intently then said he knew.  I didn’t tell him they were passed over.  At that point I don’t think I remembered that.  He was then on the steps of my house leading upstairs and I was telling him all about my husband and I when we were first married and lived out west and his career changes and how I was always there for him and behind him in his endeavors.  I mentioned no ill feelings.  The man said he had done this once too.  I didn’t understand what that meant and kept speaking.  I woke up……

So far all my tests (cancer prevention) came back perfect.  Today I am leaving for my Endoscopy…ughh…nervous me…the only test that wasn’t good was my cholestrol.  Both doctors called me on it and said that I must exercise (walking 30 minutes a day now and will go to gym.  Went once last week but then death in the family and virus at same time).  They also strongly suggest lowfat diet.  I must stop gaining so much weight.  I have gained 12 pounds this year, 10 pounds the year before and 8 the year before that so I am thirty over what I was then and I was overweight then.  It is healthier for me to be thin, it is a cancer prevention.  So…I have a lot of work to do.  I think it will be easier to loose with the mind set of my health rather than the mind set of just loosing.  Sorry I haven’t visited anyone.  A few of my subscribers have invited me to join a friend site and I declined.  With mom living with me full time, full time work and my own family plus getting my own business off the ground, I don’t have the time to commit to this. It was a pleasant feeling to be asked though…have a great day…off to be anesthesized shivers.  Sassy

Shining Silk’s mom passed away.  Her mom had chosen to put closure on her death in the Christian manor of a wake and funeral.  I don’t like this manner but I am not going to write about  that.  I think it is a personal choice how each person chooses to do this.  What I want to write about is the “surroundings” of this.  I remember when I was young and someone died.  Immediately people would make casserole’s and cake and dinners and the such and call and see what they can do for the person in this time of need.  The person is generally so distraught that they don’t want to get out of a chair and preperaing themselves for the services (let’s say they are having the kind I mention above) is more than enough for them to do.  It isn’t like this today.  I have been observing Silkie’s situation for close to a week.  Her mom’s body had to be flown in from out of state so the wake is not until today.  The funeral will be Saturday.  A week after the death.  This in itself has been a tremendous strain on her emotional state.  But there she is trudging forward making sure that the funeral arrangements are made and the internment at the gravesite by her dad’s body is all arranged and the priest and the soloist and the whole affair.  That is more than a person should have to endure when they loss their mom.  But what I saw was more.  Calling hotels for arrangements for people out of state.  What is she an entertainment director, she would not and can not say no.  This isn’t her nature but why do people take it on themselves to ask.  I am not sure, at any rate she is now responsible some how in some warped fashion for the people that have traveled that will stay for both of the “wakes” the 2pm to 4pm then the 7pm to 9pm to find a place to relax and EAT.  Is this normal, yes it is.  I see it all the time.  Now she is ordering food making arrangements for a comfortable place.  Maybe she just wants to go home between the ordeal and relax.  Then the next day she has the “goodbye” at the funeral parlor, the Church service, the graveyard and the REPAST dinner.  In a restaurant for 25 to 30 people.  FOOD…she isn’t wealthy, her mom isn’t wealthy but has put some money aside for this.  So instead of it going to the grandkids or to Silky, it goes to a dinner like a small wedding reception, hot/cold buffet.  So after she sees this “hole” in the ground and remembering how much she misses her dad, that her mom’s remains will be next to him, and starts to miss her even more.  The first thing she wants to do every day is call mommy to talk to her cause she is upset…then that OH  Yeah…mommy is why I am upset.  And the meltdown again…But she is going to have this dinner. It is done all the time, we did the same thing when my sister in law passed on except the Church because she committed suicide and the Catholic Church wouldn’t let us bring her body in…that was okay with me because I knew she didn’t need to go there, she was already in the arms of our Lord being held tightly and told it is okay, I love you.  What happened to the way it was.  Yes, the wake which then was like two to three days and I am happy that has disappated a bit…then the funeral and then over to the person’s home and NO ONE came empty handed and they fed each other and helped plan the dinners for a few days and the kids rides to school and home if needed and making sure the kids got to bed and the loved one that is still here can relax…what happened to those days.  Nowadays your the hostess with the mostess…odd state of affairs…but that is the way it is I guess and most people don’t want to change it.  When the time comes, many moons from now I hope, for me I will do things differently.  Off to get ready for the “wake” I hate that name…she isn’t going to wake…why can’t they change that name…we did this so long ago when they weren’t sure the body had passed.  Nowadays technology shows us how to tell this faster and more effienciently.  Can’t we (me I would eliminate it but for those that need to do this and I respect that) can’t we call it the “sleep”…prayers to you Silky and GodSpeed to your Mom’s Soul as it travels home…huggs…Sassy

My Daughter and her Dad.  Tere’ is blindfolded and kicking an apple off of a sword at her Third Degree Black Belt Show last February. Cleaning out my computer and felt like posting it.  Enjoy your Sunday.  After laundry I’m hoping for the energy to visit you guys…Sassy

Let’s make believe I didn’t blog that okay…well at least I’m going to.  Actually, I don’t really care who watches what and what method of entertainment they use.  I was having a very bad morning and took it out on the first thing that I allowed myself to become critical about.  I feel a need to apologize to anyone that took my blog personal.  I deleted the damn thing. I have started journaling what makes me angry and then meditating on the why of it.  To get to the bottom of this wasted energy. Geesh…I sound like a skitzoid nut…coin turn or what…time to reevaluate who I am and how I react to things that I allow in my space to bother me   In actuality the list of things isn’t as long as I imagined it would be.  I think it is that corporate world that I am allowing myself to become upset with.  Like I am courdoroy(sp?) being rubbed the wrong way.  I just don’t fit any longer.  I don’t care for the game.  I just want to pay my medical insurance, bring home the rest of my check and forget it.  So…that is what I have to do…but I keep allowing myself to be pulled back in…what the hell is that about…I have to think that one out…that water over the rocks I can’t move thing again.   The rest of the day was like a treadmill but I don’t mind.  It is my 52nd birthday I am alive and healthy and guess what?  I am doing very well with my tests all of them have come back good and I am free until the 22nd of November with only a series of maybe four or five after that.  If all of these came back okay, the chances of the rest coming back okay are good.  I have been healing myself, positive thinking and believing that I am well.  I am also eating better. Tonight is quiet.  Mom is in the other room waiting for dinner, we are ordering out in recognition of my birthday.  Tere’ is working and I’ll order her something too.  Her dad is in Colorado on business and the house is quiet except for mom’s mumbling.  Down time…I am glad I deleted that blog…it was ugly…I don’t like that strange ugly side of me…the one that expects everyone to react exactly how I do…that isn’t me…how dare I be human…giggles…have a great weekend…I am off to order Chinese…maybe veggies in garlic sauce…ummm…huggs…Sassy

just a few more tests to go…I can’t wait until this is over…poke, prode, wait…huggs…Sassy

I have had a very trying week in work. In short…awful…I just wish that I was financially set enough to not have to subject my being to this negative exposure on a daily basis…Wait…I am supposed to say “I can’t wait until…” so the universe pulls like to me…hoping it works quickly…my home…well…mom is nutz poor dear…good day, bad day, bad day, bad day, bad day, good day…Bless those good days…The six little piggies (GUINEA) are fine and living in their new home here…I purchased for them a bodacious ferret home but they attack each other so much I can’t let them intermingle long so they are still in cell block 2…the turtles, well they have grown so much that they are having a territorial dispute.  I had to purchase a larger tank…”me thinx we need a bigger boat…”…lol…my daughter is doing well in gymnastics, debating joining swimming and longing for karate…she is well and happy.  She is going with the history club to England…paying herself…on 12/27 to 1/2 – I am nervous mom with a smile and biting my nails and trying not to “what if” myself to death…me I am testing…nine to be exact…all my annual prevention to cancer testing…the only one done, not all back…limbo state…the only one back is the chest Xray and it was normal…thank you Jesus…my dogs are doing okay…Taku is 15 and Nacho is 10 TODAY…happy birthday little Nacho…he is so cute…I will give him a special treat today…just a little one…I am really interested in RoHun energy to open up my chakras and have gotten two recommendations, I left a message with just one of them.  I am hoping it is in my financial state to be able to afford one or two cleansings to open up my spirituality/chakras.  My Reiki will surely benefit from this.  I am awaiting a call back from one of the recommendations.  thatz all for now…huggs…miss everyone…Sassy

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR NACHO

ratzz…I can’t download a pix…well…you’ll have to take my word for it he is the most adorable little beagle with the sweetest disposition I have ever encountered…only flaw…food…I can relate…lol

My life seems so full today.  My daughter was a bit rude this morning and I pointed it out to her, while she didn’t apologize, she did have a change of heart and was pleasant throughout the day and this evening she even kissed me goodnight.  I am so proud of her as is every parent of their children I am sure.  This weekend at the karate show, Tere’ wasn’t there, she quit for a while.  The owner of the company was having her work over 40 hours a week and she was only 16.  She left it completely and is earning her letter thorugh the highschool gymnastics team.  She intends to go back to karate within another month, she misses it, but not as an instructor, just as a student working toward her fourth degree black belt.  Anyway, at the show a woman that worked with her told me I should be proud for doing such a good job with her.  I was happy she said that but knew in my heart that I had such a wonderful person to work with, that when God giave her to me to raise, it was a joy.  She is a good kid.  Tonight I had a late dinner with my sister of the heart and my nephew and it was so nice.  I seem to have been taking things with a pound of salt and letting things upset me lately. James pointed out that he doesn’t do pity and it was a wake up call…I didn’t want pity…but then I reread and while I stated I didn’t want it, after reading my latest blogs they longed for it…so with my self love lessons I had to learn to nurture my inner child and for a bit of time with no regrets pity her…I did and then I brought her to the edge of the nest and let her fly…nothing to be ashamed of…just a stage I had to go through in order to go forward.  I realized that I am so used to licking my wounds that even though I don’t want to it was sort of a conditioned response.  Sort of like I was so used to having the same response to those things around me I only reacted in a way that I consciously didn’t want to…So I consciously must change my reacitons to myself…step away…my meditiation showed me how to step away…to observe the she in me…to see…what is it I do when I am in a situation that isn’t exactly what I thought it would be…after that I will learn to react differently to that…but for now I am observing…that little girl…I don’t dislike her…I understand that she didn’t get the love she so much needed then so she reacts that way…but the adult me gave my daughter the love to heal myself…so I must learn to step forward and see that if I continue to react as I did throughout time, I will never be able to go forward with this journey. To enjoy my gifts…and I want to do that…meditaition for me is like a jolt and when it is over…the words/pictures/smells/thoughts I get I write down and then I think on them long and relish them and learn from them…the Yogis in the Bhagad-Gita were pure in their thoughts of Karma/Soul/Life on this Earth and which life on this earth…for me…it is still like a good novel that I don’t want to put down. So I will live no pity…no regrets…thanx James…sometimes words are like a friend pointing you in the direciton of a mirror and forcing you to look…I needed that…my hair was a muss…lol….my Reiki instructor wants me to jounal my dreams…I have been sleeping so soundly I don’t really remember much of them at all…so…tonight…yawn…I will sleep and hopefully dream…huggs to Xanga…Sassy