Please let me explain first and foremost that this is not a “sad” blog nor do I want pity to touch anyone’s heart here.  I am just trying to figure things out for myself.  I have been learning about self love.  I have taught this to my daughter and hopefully she gets the concept after 17 years and I am starting to grasp it through my own life’s experience.  I do love me.  I realized that so much when I was ill and thought I was leaving this life.  I wasn’t ready and grieved my own loss of me.  But that was then and I am ready to start my testing in two weeks (ugh…well if not ready I can say that I will do it anyway) but to get back to my blog. As a child I had no father daughter relationship with my dad, enough said. Over my younger years I never lacked for male attention in a physical way.  I was never romanced but I was physically satisfied at any rate to put this in mild wording.  I married someone that I had known more than half of my life and it was sort of what might be called a “back up” marriage on both parts but I am not here to get into that much detail for this part either.  I will simply add that we never shared a romance.  We had a physical relationship back then but that was eight years ago that stopped after cancer.  We shared fiances but not security of love.  I tried and I honestly thought things might change but my Peter Pan side grew up and accepted things.  So…I think of the one man I fell madly in love with that I speak of, not my husband. I fell in love with the attention, the smiles, the ear the eyes and the feelings of being needed and enjoyed.  Did he me, he says no.  He would say we had a friendship I over exaggerated in my mind.  Maybe he is some what right but not all right and there are three sides to everything, one for each party involved and then the real truth with no perception allowed. But that isn’t what this is about.  He told me so many times he loved me.  It was strictly a “sisterly friend” situation.  No physical relationship in the many years I knew him though since I had none with my husband I wanted this desperately and he knew this too and he played me because of this and I totally allowed the dice to keep falling and the game to keep flowing.  Yet, in retrospect I don’t think I am dreaming it because the fog has long since settled and he will say  that he said it that way but his eyes and his breath on my ear and his hands around my body huging me told me differently and I had quite a bit experience to realize when someone was attracted to me physically if not in love with me.  So that was someone that said they loved me and even allowed it with tears in his eyes sometimes and what was he truly besides a great actor? As much as this hurts me to admit to myself, I know deep within myself that he was a user…no one wants that from someone…to be used…even if they believe they do on the surface of things consciously, when you learn of self love it will show you differently, consciously and subconscioulsy.  This weekend I saw at a party an old lover of mine.  Someone I had a very physical relationship with but never said he loved me and never shared a sense of security with me.  We were young, horny and that is what I thought mattered back then.  He married and had three children and two years ago he lost his youngest child and his family is having an awful time healing.  For a millisecond of a breath I wouldn’t want to be any of them.  That is a loss no one should ever have to endure.  Back to the blog, he was polite and respectful all through the party and so was I.  Upon leaving he leaned over, kissed my hair on the side and whispered very softly in my ear. “I love you, I always will”…I felt a bit elated at first but then I didn’t once I thought on it.  That’s it…words again…he is dying in a liquor bottle over the loss of his son and while he should have been whispering that to the one he married or shouting it on the roof tops especially now that she needs this…he says it to me…and it meant nothing from him.  Neither one of the two men that said this to me loved me enough to share with me.  The one man that admitted he didn’t love me “like that” married me and shared a sense of different sorts.  We have a wonderful daughter and he is the best dad anyone could have.  He is a hard worker and holds three jobs but I think it is to get away from me. Is this all I have allowed myself to receive?  Did I have such a low self image and self esteem that I allowed myself to never be loved? Or, is it that it is impossible for anyone to share that head over heals, romantic love with me? They say everyone has a soul mate and I never believed that to be true.  Maybe I am my own soul mate I am not sure.  I am not sad about it anymore, well sure sometimes I wipe a tear or two, but I know that dwelling on the past only pulls toward me the likeness of what I allowed in the past.  The universe has a way of doing that…so I think…I am loved (by God, my daughter and myself) I am secure, I am healthy and I am…) so for now that is that…but flowers would be nice…maybe daisies…and my sweetest dream has always been to be doing something as simple as the dishes and have my lover come up behind me and hold me close and whisper in my ear…I love you…and MEAN it…so much for fantasies…lol…huggs…Sassy…

        

THE AIR IS CRISP, THE DAY IS DONE AND NOW MY MIND CAN REST

THE FIRST MORNING MEDIATION THAT I HAD TODAY WAS ABOUT PEACE.  INNER PEACE I

HAVE GAINED AND STRUGGLED FOR, NO LESS NO MORE THAN OTHERS.  I HAVE IT…IT IS

MINE AND WELL EARNED.  I AM LEARNING EVERY DAY AND MY THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE

IS A BLESSING.  MEDIATION FOR ME IS A LESSON IN LIFE.  I HAVE JOINED A BOOK CLUB &

AM LEARNING THE TEXT AND TRANSLATION OF “THE BHAGAVAD GITA” BY ANNIE BESANT. 

IT IS BASED ON THE BASIC PRINICIPLES OF YOGA.  THE NINE STEPS.  I FIND IT AN

INTERESTING VENTURE. I MEDITATED THE OTHER DAY ON MY INNER CHILD.  SHE

NEEDED TO COME OUT.  SO I ALLOWED MYSELF TO WRITE.  I AM NOT SURE THAT I AM

HAPPY THAT I DID.  IT  BROUGHT TO ME SELF-PITY AND I AM SYMPATHETIC YES, BUT

HAVE EXPERIENCED THIS BEFORE AND AM READY TO MOVE BEYOND THIS POINT IN

MY LIFE.  IT IS THEN, NOT NOW.  SHE IS AT PEACE WITHIN ME.  I HAVE HEALED HER BY

GOD’S ALLOWING ME TO RAISE A CHILD, A DAUGHTER.  I HAVE GIVEN HER THE LOVE THAT

I NEEDED AND IN RETURN HAVE FELT HER LOVE AND TRUST.  THAT HEALED MUCH OF MY

INNER CHILD.  THE ABILITY TO INHALE GOD’S LOVE AND SEE IT IN THE TREES AND SUNSETS

AND MOUNTAINS AND OCEANS AROUND ME AND LET MYSELF GO UNTIL I FIND A PICTURE

OR A WORD OR A FEELING IS TO ME ONE OF THE MOST EXCITING EXPERIENCES I HAVE

EVER HAD.  THIS EVENING I MEDITATE & I HEARD THE WORD SELF. SO DOES THIS MEAN MY

SELF IN MY SELF OR MY SELF IN OTHERS? THAT YOU

SPOT IT YOU GOT IT THING AGAIN. I HAVE ALL DAY BEEN TRYING TO EXPERIENCE SELF

WITHIN OTHERS AND NOT KNEW WHY. THEN I HEAR THE WORD SELF. AND KNOW THAT I

WANT TO SEE WHAT IT IS ABOUT US THAT CONNECTS US ALL…THIS IS A LESSON THAT

WILL GO ON NO DOUBT. I SEE IN THOSE I DISLIKE PARTS OF ME AND THOSE THAT I LIKE 

PARTS OF ME TOO. I DID A HEALING ON MYSELF TO PREPARE MYSELF FOR MY UPCOMING

SIX MONTH CANCER TESTS AND AM AWAITING THEM TO BE DONE AND OVER.  NEXT FEW

WEEKS WILL BE A WAITING GAME. I’VE BEEN THERE BEFORE AND KNOW HOW THAT RIDES.

THIS WEEKEND I GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO GO BACK IN TIME. WE ARE GOING TO A

REUNION OF SORTS FOR AN OLD “CAMPING GROUP” AND THERE WILL BE CLOSE TO FIFTY

OR MORE PEOPLE THAT WERE PART OF THE GROUP OVER A FIFTEEN YEAR PERIOD SOME

THIRTY YEARS AGO.  I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.  I WISH I WAS THINNER BUT NOT

ENOUGH TO HAVE STOPPED EATING I GUESS.  ONE OF THEM IS AN OLD LOVER OF MINE.

IT SHOULD BE A NASTALGIC DAY.  MANY PEOPLE.  MANY JOURNEYS TO SHARE AND

SMILES THAT WILL BE FAMILIAR BEHIND TIME ENGRAVED FACES.  I AM FACING A FEAR

IN MY REIKI OF NOT BEING ABLE TO MOVE FORWARD WITH IT AND MAKE IT A PART

OF MY TRADE.  I EXPERIENCE IT DAILY AND LOVE IT.  BUT WILL I BE TRUSTED ENOUGH TO

MAKE A LIVING AT IT?  I HOPE SO.  I STILL WANT TO LEARN LIGHTARIAN AND USI.  I HAVE

LEARNED TIBETAN AND CONTINUE MY JOURNEY.  I ALSO WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT

ANIMAL TOTEMS.  THIS PAST MONTH MY NEPHEW OF 28 PUT HIMSELF IN A FACILITY TO

RELEASE AND DETOXIFY FROM COCAINE AND ALCOHOL.  HE IS HOME.  I HAD GIVEN

HIM A BOOK ABOUT HEALING ADDICITONS THROUGH THE PRACTICE OF YOGA.  HE IS

A PERSONAL TRAINER/PHYSICAL THERAPIST/YOGA INSTRUCTOR.  HE IS HOME AND I SPOKE

TO HIM AND HIS VOICE SOUNDED STRONG.  GOD WILLING AND HIM WILLING HE WILL

BE FINE.  AT THE SAME TIME, MAYBE A WEEK IN A HALF PRIOR TO THIS MY BROTHER

IN LAW PUT HIMSELF IN A FACILITY TO RELEASE AND DETOXIFY FROM COCAINE,

ALCOHOL AND HEROINE.  HE IS HOME TOO BUT FEELING SO ILL.  HEROINE IS A HARD

ONE AND HE ISN’T INTO YOGA.  HE SAYS HE IS TRYING TO MEDITATE SO SHINING SILK

BURNED MANY INSTRUCTED MEDITATIONS FOR HIM AND I ORDERED HIM A BURNING

CANDLE MADE BY A SHAMAN AND GAVE HIM A BOOK ON THE POWER OF POSITIVE

THOUGHT AND A JOURNAL.  I SPEAK TO HIM A LOT AND HE IS DEPRESSED.  I PRAY FOR HIM

GOD WILLING AND HIM WILLING THAT HE WILL SHINE ABOVE THIS. MY MOM IS HOLDING

HER OWN WITH THE PARKINSONS AND IT IS A CHORE TO TAKE CARE OF HER.  IF IT WASN’T

FOR SILKY I WOULDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  SHE IS MY ANGEL THAT HAS BEEN SENT

TO BE MY FRIEND AND HELP ME THROUGH THIS.  I SPOKE TO DAD TODAY.  HE WAS DRUNK

AND KEPT TELLING ME HE LOVED ME.  POOR DEAR, I WISH HE LOVED HIMSELF.  ME, I AM

OKAY. JUST WISH I HAD SOME ROMANCE IN MY LIFE.   I THINK THAT I WOULD LIKE TO

BE DINED AND MAYBE GIVEN FLOWERS.  FLOWERS WOULD BE NICE, DAISIES MAYBE. 

UNTIL THEN, I CONTINUE MY JOURNEY ALONE.  MANY HUGGS MY DEAR XANGA LAND

FRIENDS.  I WILL TRY AND BE MORE DILIGENT ABOUT WRITING AND MORE POLITE

ABOUT VISITING. SASSY

 

 

There are days when you may feel lonely and a breeze brushes like a feather in the wind past your cheek.  You keep doing what your doing and mentally take note that there are no windows open…no air passing…only the feeling of love…God’s Angels are there always and you’ve just been kissed by one…next time smile, look up and let them know you felt it…huggs…Sassy

He didn’t live there anymore.  Why was she so scared of the dark now.  He was the fear of the dark so why was she still scared.  Yet he was a sense of security.  She remembered Sunday mornings.  The sound of the rifle blasting into the handmade target pit in the basement echoing through the house and the fear of it shooting through the walls and killing her.  In later years when she was moved up to the attic rooms the fear was worse.  It might miss and hit her baby sister.  She couldn’t live inside if that happened.  She remembered the shop made from random planks of wood with a screen door with a lock on it.  the walls on one side were empty wooden crates and if she towered enough stuff she could scale the wall and jump.  The smell of bananas (gun oil) inside there.  The fear of him just maybe coming home early.  The boxes were make shift shelves with his models of boats in glass bottles and out of them and fighter planes and trophies for shooting.  He was in so many books showing his models and shooting in competition.  He had gun trophies and Japanese swords on the wall and the loading station to make the ammo.  She remembered the pistol cold and hard on her temple and him talking and his breath was stench with whiskey and her stomach turned.  His eyes were not her Dad’s that night.  They couldn’t possibly be.  The hot urine dripped down her leg she was so terrified and his anger at that.  He called her.  “She pissed her pants like a ninny”.  She welcomed being dragged up the basement stairs by her hair and kicked and beat rather than the cold steel.  Why couldn’t she tell her.  Why didn’t she know.  He was gone now. He was remarried and she missed him terribly.  Why, why did she miss him.  Why did she love him.  She did though.  She cried and prayed every night.  She’s sorry God, please forgive her, her sins.  Please bring her Daddy home.  She heard her “entertaining” in the bedroom.  Moaning…she climbed out the window and threw her arms around the trunk of the maple tree and it caught her as it always did.  She slid down and ran to the front yard and looked in the window and saw the man on top of her mission style and her back arched in ecstacy.  She ran into the woods and met her young man.  She was only eleven.  He was twelve.  The drank the bitter vodka from the glass bottles from the airplane that his dad had brought home and it warmed their stomach.  They had known each other since they were one or less.  The made a makeshift bed in the leaves in the woods and he mounted her.  It felt like a stuffed sock going in there.  What was the thrill…wait…oww..wait…well…that’s not so bad…maybe with a little practice…and she was determined to get much practice…she felt his heart beat when he was near her.  She liked the sound of a heart beat.  It made her feel loved…held…embraced…she liked that…so much guilt over the years for her actions…for their actions…don’t tell Daddy, he’ll leave and it will be your fault.  She didn’t tell him.  He found out anyway and confronted her and her older sister.  He offered them money.  She didn’t want money.  Her sister took it.  He left anyway and blamed her for taking sides…So much sadness over the years…time to grow now…so many decades have passed for her…she forgives him…she forgives her…she loves him…she loves her…they never talk about the things in the past and neither does she…she forgives herself…this was the hardest thing to ever do, but she has done it…she forgave herself…she loves herself…she has unlocked the key to her heart and let all those crystal tears melt away and forgiven herself…time to grow…enjoy life my friend.  huggs…Sassy(copyrighted-the symbol won’t work-dang Xanga…I can’t even change the font color…what happened to my blog…

 

During mediation I found that I am always…ALWAYS…feeling “unliked”…maybe it is me who doesn’t like me…I think I do, yet it seems I don’t since I have a hard time connecting with people and as I get older it isn’t any different, only I don’t usually care as much. After the cancer I felt I should really give humans a “chance” to be closer to me.  After all I felt this overwhelming need to be loved when I thought I would die…so with the Grace of God and my life here on earth for now I have tried…really really TRIED to do this…open the doors that surrounded me for so long and let my heart breathe and now I think that going with your first instinct is the best way to go…I have found that being a novice at this opening up to people left me completely vulnerable to the harshness of reality here on this journey…I fell truly and deeply in love for the first time…not that I haven’t loved anyone before or felt attracted to anyone…I am married and though it is a marriage of different sorts…though I don’t speak of it often…well…anyway…I fell in love for the first time…I opened up my heart and let someone totally in…I as mentioned above in this novice state at a more mature age ended up devastatingly crying like a school girl and licking my wounds of love and realizing that I was totally used as a surrogate mom and financial pillow…I let myself do this and it was a very hard lesson to endure…three people eliminated themselves from my life without so much as a blink of an eye let alone a yawn of time.  During these years I found a wonderful dearest friend and keep her and thank God for that…life isn’t all bad…I also befriended someone else.  While we weren’t completely attached sisterhood of a friendship…I was used and discarded as quickly as fall turns to winter.  Next…one more shot…I found a new friend at the same time as my dearest friend that I know  that God sent to me…did…she is an awesome person with a thirst for knowledge that I felt competed my own and a love for people, Reiki, Angels…many things the three of us had in common…she tended be closer to my dearest friend and that was dealable…she asked me to help two of her clients…in light of the fact that I am starting my own clientele’ or at least trying to, I spoke to two of her clients and praised her to the hilt and meant every last word of it…I also sent to her many people that could be helped by her ability to be clairvoyant…instead of being happy…grateful was not even necessary, but instead of being happy she seemed to detach herself from me even further and I felt sucked like she took a vacuum and from me exhausted what she could as little as it was and then turned her back.  As childish as it was I cried.  I had this “vision” of the three of us sharing indepth conversations about our likes and Spiritual beliefs.  Not to be…I am left in the dust…she and my dearest friend are sharing many experiences and laughing and building memories…this is wonderful for them…I guess I’m lonely…I never could have a relationship with my sisters either…I love them I really do…but it isn’t there…they are very close…middle child syndrome I guess…I am lonely…Tere’ is off driving and enjoying her senior year and I am thrilled…she has an “interest” now in a boy and he is a wonderful boy…yet I will admit I miss her but this is a happy sad…my marriage is a paycheck to help with expenses and that is it…my dearest friend and I are still closer and thankfully that is what it is but it is like I have injected this sad wave of guilt on her due to this whole state of affairs…it came to me last night while they were off enjoying the International Angel Day and sharing energy and prayers with 65 people I was alone…doing this on my own…this is fine but I guess I am lonely…did I say that before…well I am…I am lonely for passion in my life in the form of romance and lonely to share my Spiritual interests with someone…now I feel like my dearest friend will learn and share so much more and I guess jealousy the green devil has immerged…not that I am not wanting this for her…but I wanted it too…well as I was saying…it came to me I wasn’t sad because she doesn’t like me…she doesn’t doesn’t like me…she just doesn ‘t acknowledge me…I don’t exist for her…one two three times in the past few years…back to square one…home plate…safe.  Walking the bases helps you not get hit with the ball though you must in order to get to first…I have been hit many times…My father…I can’t talk about what he did…my mom…she is demented now sadly for her and suffers severe Parkinsons and I am her caregiver and as a child she abused me physically and mentally…I guess I don’t like myself so much but silly me…I still love her…my sisters…while I don’t agree with their means of enjoyment…I do miss the closeness of being a sister an only child of three…odd I guess…is this change of life or am I regressing what the hell do I care so much for…I am supposed to be releasing my negativity through Reiki…Yoga and meditation and there I am gaining more…putting myself  in places where I am vulnerable…well no more…back to the box the one with the crystal tears…that is the only safe place to be…then I can share with me…I don’t hurt me…geesh I feel awful…time for another glass of wine and then do something for me…huggs to all will visit soon…Sassy

 

I have missed everyone so much and hope things “slow down” here so I can visit everyone soon…I though I would share a story I found on the internet.  I really liked it and hope you do too.  Miss you guys…huggs  Sassy

The Legend of the Cedar Tree

Native American Lore

Cherokee

 

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A long time ago when the Cherokee people were new upon the earth, they thought that life would be much better if there was never any night. They beseeched the Ouga (Creator) that it might be day all the time and that there would be no darkness.

The Creator heard their voices and made the night cease and it was day all the time. Soon, the forest was thick with heavy growth. It became difficult to walk and to find the path. The people toiled in the gardens many long hours trying to keep the weeds pulled from among the corn and other food plants. It got hot, very hot, and continued that way day after long day. The people began to find it difficult to sleep and became short tempered and argued among themselves.

Not many days had passed before the people realized they had made a mistake and, once again, they beseeched the Creator. “Please,” they said, “we have made a mistake in asking that it be day all the time. Now we think that it should be night all the time.” The Creator paused at this new request and thought that perhaps the people may be right even though all things were created in twos… representing to us day and night, life and death, good and evil, times of plenty and those times of famine. The Creator loved the people and decided to make it night all the time as they had asked.

The day ceased and night fell upon the earth. Soon, the crops stopped growing and it became very cold. The people spent much of their time gathering wood for the fires. They could not see to hunt meat and with no crops growing it was not long before the people were cold, weak, and very hungry. Many of the people died.

Those that remained still living gathered once again to beseech the Creator. “Help us Creator,” they cried! “We have made a terrible mistake. You had made the day and the night perfect, and as it should be, from the beginning. We ask that you forgive us and make the day and night as it was before.”

Once again the Creator listened to the request of the people. The day and the night became, as the people had asked, as it had been in the beginning. Each day was divided between light and darkness. The weather became more pleasant, and the crops began to grow again. Game was plentiful and the hunting was good. The people had plenty to eat and there was not much sickness. The people treated each other with compassion and respect. It was good to be alive. The people thanked the Creator for their life and for the food they had to eat. The Creator accepted the gratitude of the people and was glad to see them smiling again. However, during the time of the long days of night, many of the people had died, and the Creator was sorry that they had perished because of the night. The Creator placed their spirits in a newly created tree. This tree was named a-tsi-na tlu-gv {ah-see-na loo-guh} cedar tree.

When you smell the aroma of the cedar tree or gaze upon it standing in the forest, remember that if you are Tsalagi {Cherokee}, you are looking upon your ancestor.

Tradition holds that the wood of the cedar tree holds powerful protective spirits for the Cherokee. Many carry a small piece of cedar wood in their medicine bags worn around the neck. It is also placed above the entrances to the house to protect against the entry of evil spirits. A traditional drum would be made from cedar wood.

Does the author believe this? Well, lets just say that there is a piece of cedar in my medicine pouch and I wear it always. The Creator did not make the people because of loneliness, but because the Creator wanted to show generosity and love to the people. Accept the blessings and the gifts given and always give thanks for them.

 

Been so blahhhhhhhhhhhh….haven’t felt like visiting or blogging…I do miss you guys though…here is a smile from Tere’…huggs…Sassy

 

 

The Melon

I had  been feeling rather achy so I thought I would do a meditation in the hot tub which I did.  Then I read some more of AngelVision that I purchased at one of Doreen Virtue’s seminars on Manifesting the Angels, which was wonderful.  But being me , I saved the stories which I love for later and went right to the chapter on seeing the Angels and had been working with the exercises for about four days. I had never before this tried to call to Manifest the Angels.  I have always loved them, spoke to them, sensed them and heard them inside my head.  But to this point have not yet “seen” them but I know I will in time, when I am ready.  Doreen explains this clearly in her book.  Well, I did a quick cleaning and then followed Doreen’s advice for cleaning the third eye.  I tried not to do anything too hard.  I just thought well if it is meant to be now I will see and if not then it will happen when I am ready for it to and that is that but I know it will.  Nothing happened and I was feeling very relaxed and then I thought, maybe subconsciously I am not realizing it but I am frightened .  Now, in retrospect, I know I wasn’t thinking this, it was the angels telling me this.  I started remembering the words Doreen told us at the seminar and then I called to ArchAngel Michael.  I asked him to please cut any ties of fear and doubt that I am aware of or unaware of and severe them so that I may have the wonderful experience of seeing the angels.  There was silence again and I was staring at the birds and the trees and my mind started to wonder and I was just soaking and daydreaming and I hear this FOOOP sound to my right.  I look over and on the table the sugar watermelon was still sitting but it was cut and draining juices all over the deck and my beagle, was licking it and my mix breed, was watching something float across the air around fifty feet up.  I saw nothing but knew immediately it was the ArchAngel Michael.  I jumped out of the tub and ran to the deck and I was jumping up and down yelling thank you thank you. The melon was cut all except about an inch and a half on the bottom (guess he didn’t want it to fall off the table so I could see the cut).  I was so excited.  I know in my entire being this was a sign.  I starred at it for a bit and realized what he was saying, he was telling me he has now cut my ties but it is my choice to let it all fall out, all the fears…that was the juice I think.  If my beagle could speak he would say “God does provide” and my mix breed would have said WOW…did you see that big Angel.  For me this was my first sign. ©Sassy…

Here is  Tere’s Junior Prom pix…isn’t she beautiful…

busy, busy busy…Tere’s Junior Prom…I’ll post her pix…I can’t wait…huggs…Sassy

I Miss Him

His eyes they mesmerize me His scent it hypnotizes me

His eyes they captivate me His hands are all I need

His body presses close to me His chest it is so hard

I feel completely captive yet I feel so very free

He is so seperate from me  yet he is a part of me

I need his loving embrace to release my wild side

I need to feel his manhood while inside me he does glide

I need to feel his pressure I need to ride his ride

I need to feel his arms about me I need to feel his charms

He looks at me and tells me while he holds me in his arms

Just how I make his day complete and He looks at me and holds

me and lifts me off my feet while he tells me how he loves me and how

his life I make so sweet He looks at me and touches me but not

just only my skin He touches me and my soul my heart and deep from

deep within I love him…………………………..truly I do…just I wish he

knew…just wished he loved me too…I miss you………….©Sassy

 

I seem to never say the right thing.  If something upsets me I tend to blurt before I talk and end up hurting the people I love.  I am so sorry Silky, I am usually a very “private” person, yet today I will share.  Silky is a God send.  She is always there for me and accepts me for what I am.  She is more than a friend, she is a sister and I would just not want to not have her in my life.  I snapped at her YET AGAIN over something she felt was an innocent thing and I, in retrospect, I understand that and should have explained in a more mature and calm manner, but I didn’t as usual I snapped.  I can use all the excuses in the world for why I don’t have no patience with anyone and snap and while they are all very true, I had no right to speak with her in the manner that I did.  I feel very sorry that I did but as they say, once words are out there no way can they be mentally erased…as for the rest of the story…well…I like to pick and choose what I like to have in my life whether it be material, emotional, private, public, in the future in the present…whatever…and I want to be the one that makes those choices and some times I feel that I don’t have any of those choices.  Whether it be a me deciding what I should do to look better or deciding where I should spend my hard earned money on vacation or deciding what should be private or public knowledge or just plain simple things like what I should or should not think and therapy sometimes has a way of almost deciding that and yes I have issues and many of them and  this is true and I had the type of childhood where choices were not mine and if I made the ones my parents deemed wrong in their eyes there  were very extreme measures taken and I surely felt the repercussions of that very physically and very emotionally.  I guess in my adulthood I have become over protective of that who I am.  I have also tried desperately to instill in my daughter a sense of being her own person and never worrying about what others think…only impress yourself.  Maybe I took that  to the extreme too.  She is 16 and it bites me sometimes quite often but I still think that as time goes on she will benefit from being independent and self respectful and fulfilling HER dreams and not worrying about fitting in.  She will, where she wants to.  Well I am all over the place now.  Just feel really bad I hurt Silky…her being is very important in my life. I also am having a very hard time “dealing” with my expressions.  I guess after stifling things for a long time in my life, I tend to have them come out like a tornado and I have to learn to change my inner weather and that simple old motto to think before you speak would I want someone to say that to me? A few months ago I told one of the managers that is in his late twenties and lives for gossip that I felt he was a “flame thrower” always “setting fires under everyone’s ass” and that he causes “undue problems” at work that he is the manager and people come to him with situations and instead of rectifying them he gets off on spreading the news. I should have told him nicely but these are the words I used and at a very ”loud” tone and then that night a Burger King commercial came on advertising the “flame thrower” and I wondered guiltily if he saw the commercial as I was walking through the living room and it caught my eye. I don’t watch very much TV but heard the words “flame thrower” and it hit me hard. I would have been more effective and helpful to him if I worded it nicely but I didn’t I snapped instead and I wish I could control it I’m not a very humble person I guess and right now, I don’t like myself very much at all.  I sound like a “bitch” and geesh, how awful. Many huggs all…Sassy

 

Still hearing this song and driving me batty