March 3, 2005

• I have many more pix from Florida that I will put on when my sister comes and shows me how…I can’t figure it out for the life of me how to do this…grrr…and I am very excited about showing them too..but alas…they are going no where…so I will be patient…my schedule has been so hectic I haven’t even asked her yet….OO SIS…I want to write about what happened to me on Saturday.  Many of you will think me daft…I don’t care…writing about things puts them back in order for me and helps me digest and understand…so I went to the BlackBeltExtravaganza for the karate school where my daughter, Tere’ was performing  She performs at all of them but this was her first as an instructor…she has been employed at the school and is so happy and I am so proud of her.  She did wonderful.  As has been my practice for the last eight years, unless Tere’ is graduating to another black belt degree (she is second degree) I help with two of the other moms (one is my dear sister of the heart Shining Silk) and the other lady has a son on the performance team. We help run the desk checking in the graduates by belt/name and checking in the guests by the graduates name…all the graduations are free except the BlackBelt Extravaganza which is performed in a hotel (this time the Hilton) and Herb Perez, the 1992 Olympic Gold Medalist is there for the testing.  He hands the belts out after the graduates have tested.  They have already, at that point earned their four stripes for sparring, forms, combinations and power weekend (which is a very intense physical test) by our school’s master, but they still need the approval of a Belt higher than their own master.  We pay for Master Herb Perez to fly in from wherever he is.  He resides in SanFrancisco.  He came in from Thialand this time.  So we have to make sure that tickets are purchased/payed for…Well, I knew the two children of the one that was my Healer would be there.  They are on the performance team too  I knew that he would be there too.  I still have so many emotions involved in this whole episode.  Missing the children I acted as surrogate parent for, for so many years and missing him.  Having my “Healer” as he calls himself turn his back on me midstream.  Loosing someone (him) I considered more than a friend, someone I considered family in my heart and would have done and did anything for.  His children and him.  Plus I still have the emotions of sexual attraction toward him.  Sadly and angrily, I must admit, I am still in love with him.  I don’t like this about me but must admit it.  Anyway we always dress up and for this occasion and I did for this show.  I had black pants with embroidered pink flowers and hot pink shoes and purse and pink earrings and a pink knit suit jacket.  I had my hair dry as natural and was out like a brown bushy thing with a pink flower in it and I wore makeup which isn’t my “practice”…I was not hiding from them anymore…I was there in all my pinkness to be seen and smiling.  I am not one that puts much into a person’s appearance as long as they are politely clean..I love what is inside of people…but as we all do…there are times you want to feel good about your appearance…this was one of those times…when I knew that people will be saying…oh…there is Tere’s mom…I am proud of her…and wanted her to be proud of me too…He came and this time he was nice enough to smile and wave instead of his usual “you are glass” look that breaks my heart.  His younger son was very sweet and smiled and we said hello as we always do.  It takes all my power to sit still and not run over and wrap my arms around the little fellow…I miss him terribly. We both miss each other and it is plain to see.  He was like a nephew or surrogate son for me.  His daughter, the “poison in the sauce”  gave me her usual, a lip puckering ugly “f… you” look after I as an adult and someone that was in her life for many years was polite and said hello…I won’t say it didn’t hurt.  I did everything for the young lady and showed her much love and support for many years  I would not tolerate that behaivor from my daughter…rudeness and ignorance and downright vicious behaivor is nothing to be proud of and her parents should be ashamed…but I doubt they are…I was happy in myself that I didn’t feel any sense of responsibility for her shitty attitude this time…that is a good sign…Well…I went on with the day.  I was so very proud of my daughter and also of myself for being able to put the situation on the back burner.  I actually was having a good time and not obsessing that they were there.  I was talking to the other parents, watching the performance team.  I enjoyed the new black belts performances.  It was fun.  I was actually relaxed in the same space as them for the first time in close to eight months.  I was asked to go with Shining Silk afterward into the coat closet with the half/barn door and hand out the certificates and belts.  It was cold and there was no heat in there…bbrrrrr….I was speaking with one of the dad’s that was angry about his son’s certificate not being there and assuring him it was at the school and we would get it to him and apologizing for the inconvenience.  Suddenly I stopped midsentence but knew that no one else realized this and no one else was aware of what I was aware of.  A tunnel surrounded my head.  Now you have to understand that this one that was my Healer is very powerful and knowledgeable in many areas of paranormal “things”…I was drawn through the tunnel and at the end were his eyes…his face…he was looking into my eyes…actually…that is what I thought and was feeling all gaga and afterword I realized that he was looking into my mind through my eyes…he shot forward, saw what he wanted to I would guess then shot back and the cloud disappeared and I continued my sentence to the parent.  During the time he was in there all I could do was utter his name…in my mind’s voice…I felt calm and relaxed afterward…I know that no one else saw him there…no one…like he was covered to all but me….I tried not to think about the “invasion” and now here it is…okay…do I question his abilities that he did this…absolutely not…I have always accepted them as his Spiritual Being as I do all others around me.  All of us are special.  Do I question what he saw…since I have no friggin clue what I was thinking at that time like it was sucked out with a hoover..I don’t know what he saw but I do know me and do know what is in my mind and my heart and do know, and he SHOULD too… that if he asked me, then I would have told him only truths and “shared” what was there…it didn’t have to be taken…I guess I am confused as to the why…it has been close to eight months…we have not uttered a sentence to each other…he has made it clear I am NOT in his life or the children’s life anymore…my heart is still broken and healing…I go on with my life and enjoy myself but will never let myself feel like this about anyone again…EVER….love is precious and I must be careful…I will always protect myself from here on out…but WHY…why did he do this and why did he want to do this and what purpose was it…if he asked I would have told him…I miss our friendship…I still love him and I am still attracted to him…I miss the kids and my heart aches and so does Tere’s…they erased us….but he didn’t do that…I feel so disrespected and robbed…why did he do this….???? and why does he care what I think anyway…and life goes on and my journey continues….huggs…Sassy

  
  

  

  • 9:34 am
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