March 21, 2009
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Mom was sick again, feeling a bit better but she is sucking the life out of me…geesh…last night I went for a short dinner-it was nice to get out for a bit besides just for work and the food store. I looked at things like I was a different person after not going to a really loud restaurant for so very long.
The more time I spend alone the more I see how I am confused what others get upset about. I am talking about observation in the restaurant. Waiters complaining about being too busy. I guess they are tired but they have a job and can pay the bills. We are having a hard time with this in my household. I get a lot of plain “shitty” projects in work that I smile and paddle through being thankful I have a job.
Conversations at tables next to me I am engaged in listening to even though I am not the least bit interested, like I can’t turn it off…all silly nonsense. People annoyed over the slightest thing. One girl was talking about getting ready to “live in” with her boyfriend and they were not just disagreeing, she was explaining to the others at the table (he wasn’t’ there) that they were actually fighting over the breed fo dog they were going to get. He wanted a beagle, how dare him…I love beagles so I took personal offense on top of it. She also gave no one else at the table a chance to talk and she had the type of voice that my friend Roe (Silky) referred to as tunnel hearing – you can’t stop listening and you don’t want to listen. I wanted to tell her to shut up. I really did, I wanted to turn around and say, will you please zip it and give someone else a chance you pia (pain in ass)…
So many electronics going on. Out to dinner and there is a tv in every friggin corner blasting – people are looking up in the air at the dopey boob tube instead of enjoying each others company. Cell phones ringing, texting going on…why not just stay home. Seems the whole world is covered in cell phones.
I leave mine in an area where I can hear it if I get a call from lifeline that mom needs help or my daughter is stuck or something, but people are having very long conversations with a friend while another friend is at the table. Talking and laughing, I find it rude.
I have seemed to lost all tolerance for people as I get older. Why can’t they enjoy each other without texting, typing, interneting, checking their email, calling and complaining, I should talk I am complaining now…I guess I just don’t understand.
Seeing my mom so ill and spending so much time with me I really appreciate each ounce of sleep I get, each chance I get to meditate and read and each chance I get to see a friend that I love. It doesn’t happen often. I also have a new respect for life. How you should be honored to live it because it is so short and there are so many awful things. My poor mom goes through episode after episode of stiffness that makes her feel like she is trapped in her body and can’t move. I get upset. I want to be able to make it stop and I can’t. It isn’t fair to her. It isn’t fair to me. But that is the way life is.
I just wish that people would shut off the tv and keep the phones for emergency use just while they are out to dinner with someone, or at a movie or play or in a store or walking. No one smells the roses anymore, they just listen to the ringtones…
oh what a sad sad state where in…
Comments (7)
I told myself a long time ago I did not want to get old and bitter like most older people, defined by their illness and percieved experienced of being wronged. I struggle against that every day and I am truly gaining. The most important phrase that I have heard in my many years on the planet is, “It is not what happens to you that causes your pain and suffering, but how you react to it.” I realized that idiots and inconsiderate people will die for their right to be idiots and inconsiderate people. I have learned to let them have thier miserable journeys (IMHO) and not let drivel upset my tranquility level. I am so sorry you have to experience the pain of witnessing you mothers demise, but it is a major part of her journey. I am just thankful that she has you to support her. That is very special..
Sassy, do you read or even get a chance to read. If you do then read Tuesday with Morrie. It is about a man sharing his dying moments with his friend; who young enough to be his son. This might not sound like anything you would like to read when you are already experiencing so much death. But it may give you a frame work in which to talk to your Mom. You sound to me like you are really burned at least that is how I sound when I am burned to crispy. Can you get more relief. Maybe just some volunteers to come in and spend an hour or two with your Mom. Are there no family members who can spend some time with her? I am sending you a prayer and a hug. Judi
I understand you’re frustration with the world at large. I try to remind myself that everyone is learning at a different rate and not everyone can take the quiet. The noise of conversation, the distractions of cell phones and texting, television and even the food consumed are escapes for the people around us. I am sorry for your struggles with your mother and wish there were something I could offer to help, but I have nothing. Just a virtual hug and a prayer for your strength, grace and well being. Blessings abound
@jassmine - mom is experiencing a pill adjustment which occurs as the disease progresses. only she seems to have most problems at night. i am tired because it is causing her for some reason not to use the commode and the rug is a mess and she gets so heavy and rigid when it happens i am tired. i am crabby and i apologize for that. volunteers might help, my sisters don’t even call to say hello to her. i am at the pont of just exhauted from begging them so i stopped. too much negative energy going nowhere. my daughter does help but you can’t expect a 19 year old to do everything. she is sweet but she has a socialife and well she should. i am just at my wits end for the past few months with colds and pill problems. when a parkinson patient gets sick they get really, really sick and want some normality again and don’t see it coming and i hate cleaning up urine and poo. i don’t do well in with bathroom thing. i just want to sleep more than three hours at a time. i call about volunteers. her aide, which the state pays for isnce mom has no money comes “only” when i work which is really know break for me. she is burning out as they do and becoming a real emotional handful with her complaints. time for new one. thanks for the input. hugs, sassy
@Sassenach_org - I know those feeling so well. I as I told you deal with a Parkenson patient every night. But it is harder on you because you are there 24/7. I know the guy I care for his poor wife is just wearing out. She found out the state pays here for respite care for 50 hours a month. I don’t know how that would be where you are but I am sure you are aware of the resources. My prayers are with you. Judi
@jassmine - the state gives mom 36 hours weekly. I work at home on Mondays and Fridays and tuesday, wednesday & thursday the aide comes for a 12 hour day – that gives me time to get home between 6 & 8 since I have to put in more hours with the three days in the office. It is difficult working at home for anyone but caring for her at the same time is more diffiuclt. Weekends usually arent’ so bad but the past month and a half she has had a cold and problems after that and when they get sick their meds go wacko. the med change we are doing is not working so today I put her back on her old schedule and will call dr. tomorrow, so far so good but the nighttime is the worst for her i dont’ know why. we shall see, i am just a bit sleep deprived and don’t do well on that. can’t wait until work on tuesday, sick isn’t that…lol…i know, i’ll be blessed,maybe i want it now…i do really so please send me a prayer and a blessing…huggs…sassy, p.s.: thanks for your kind words…i really never had any urge to do nursing of any sort. i am more a paper person i guess…lmao…strange strange path i’m on…
@lotsayears - thankyou, your words mean more than you can imagine. While I can’t control how mom reacts to her illness, I can try and sympathize and understand myself and hopefully react differently to caring for her. thank you again…hugs, Sassy