It has been so long since I have posted.  No excuses really…I come and visit sites.  I am grateful and smile when I see an old Xanga Friend has posted. I just haven’t posted, but I have been around.

 My world has been the same but different.  My daughter is healing very well.  She has been through so much in the past few years and I couldnt’ be more proud to be called her Mom.  She missed quite a lot of school so didnt’ graduate with her bachelors yet but she is working on it.  In the meantime, since she has decided to be an acupuncturist  she must go for three years for a master’s certificate.  At this point she is going full time for the bachelor’s and should be done next October, 2012 and this is just a formality for her.  It doesn’t really matter what her bachelor’s is in, she just can not graduate with her master’s certificate without the bachelor’s degree.  She is majoring in Psychology and minoring in Religion at the same time she is also attending acupuncture school.  I couldn’t be prouder.  She has so much to learn and is so excited.  She studies hard.  It will be more challenging until the Bachelor’s is completed and then she can concentrate one hundred percent on the master’s certificate.  It is what she wants.  She had been put on so much medication when she was ill and she is the type that doesn’t even like tylenol.  Acupuncture has taken her off of everything.  She goes for treatments, takes supplements, does her yoga and tai chi and is feeling very healthy.  Her confidence level is back.  She wants to specialize in people with post trauma since it has helped her so much. 

I am still taking care of mom.  It gets more difficult as time goes on.  I try and take one day at a time and hope it will be easier tomorrow.  I miss my freedom but a promise is a promise and she is my mom.  My hubby has switched jobs and is home much more and slowly, very slowly our relationship seems to be going toward what it should be.

I lost the last two guinea pigs within two weeks of each other.  First Gracie went at age 9 and then Doe at age 8.  While I miss them I know I gave them a good life and they lived a long time.  I am down to two turtles now.  Me…no pets.  While I love animals so very much and miss having a dog or cat.  I must admit that after mom, I dont’ even want to take care of a goldfish anymore.

I have received my certification in Angel Healing and am slowly starting my business with Reiki and Angel Healing specializing in pets.  It is hard because between work and mom I don’t have much time but I am determined.  All else remains the same.  Many Xanga hugs to all of you.  Sassy

Time seems to get away from me.  I come and visit and I see my friends and I miss being here.  Mom is more difficult to take care of.  What used to take me two hours to do takes me four with her.  The Parkinson’s is slowly winning her private war.  This saddens me.  I am very tired.  But I do what I have to do.  My lovely daughter turned 21 on Saturday.  She is back in school and wants very much at this point to be an acupuncturist.  I am glad she has a dream and a goal.  I have been very busy at work which is good with the economy as slow as it is.  I have been studying to get my Angel Certification to go along with my Tibetan Reiki and that is exciting.  I have been doing very well with my diet.  It isn’t actually a diet.  I just don’t eat things that aren’t good for me very often.  The doctor said my blood sugar level had raised.  So I cut breads entirely for one month and now eat rye or wheat occasionally.  I water my juice and drink plenty of water.  Eat salads and lots of fresh fruit.  Snacking is yogurt with a little granola now since the month is gone with no grains.  I have been walking and when it is too hot to do that I exercise on my ab roller.  I hope it works.  I really want to be healthy and also thinner.  I have made it a habit to do at least three things even if they are small things for myself every day.  With Bill switching jobs he is home much more and we have been getting along better too.  He helps me a lot with my mom.  He also food shops with me and that helps since my body aches from lifting mom.  We never did get another dog after Nacho passed.  I can’t bring myself to have that heartbreak again…though my heart aches for a furry baby.  I still have Gracie and Doe…my two guinea pigs and also Peppermint and Patti my turtles…but I don’t have a dog… Every time I think I really want one I feel that ache of him passing…I haven’t healed from that yet…It has been a very warm summer which is nice.  I have found peace within myself and acceptance…I realize that saying I am going to change and changing are very different.  I am learning to accept people for who they are and how to avoid the ones I don’t really care to share my time with.  I am growing up very slowly I would think.  Not bad for double nicklels…lol…I miss you all and will come back soon…Many…Many hugs to my Xangaland Family….

In Memory of Alfie

October 15, 2003 – February 23, 2010

I was recovering from surgery and BettyBoop, our darling Guinea Pig was expecting with Neo, our other little darling. I was in the guest room unable to make the stairs to my bedroom and my husband woke me up and our little Tere who was 14 at the time. The three of us sat on the floor to watch the miracle of birth. First came Gracie and then Alfie. We were so shocked to see they came out full of fur and running and playing. Yes they nursed but they also ate like they were around a long time. They ran and they ran and they ran…all over the cage. We were thoroughly entertained and madly in love. The babies were in their seventh year having turned six in October. Several days ago Alfie lost his appetite. With my husband having issues with his job we were unable to take Alfie to an exotic vet due to the cost. However, I spoke with someone that raises them. I was told at his age that he would be poked and prodded and maybe given an IV and maybe had his life expand a maximum of three months, he might die of a heart attack from fear from it all. He was just old and it was his time. Make him comfortable. I gave him pineapple juice through a syringe in case his digestion was the problem. I cleaned his mouth with clove water as a natural antibiotic incase he had sores in there I couldn’t see. I used a Q-tip. I cuddled him and pet him and kissed him and fed him water every few hours knowing how fast the little dears dehydrate. Gracie wouldn’t leave his side. She slept by him and lay with him for four days. Last night at 4:30 Alfie past over to the Rainbow bridge. To say he will be greatly missed is an understatement. That tiny little pig brought so much joy. He also brought turmoil. I was also unaware that at the age of three months he could impregnate another pig, he did, his mom. From there came Tae, Kwon and Do. Over the years we have dwindled. Remaining are now Do and Gracie. Sadly, we miss them all. Alfie was our little Wildman. He had an insatiable appetite for fun and played constantly. He was a very social pig. He didn’t take things too seriously. He was the comedian. Everyone needs to laugh so we thank him for that. He loved being outside in the summer munching the grass but never would take a sunbath like the others. He wanted to run and play and discover. Inside he would run across the floor and nibble on Nacho’s beagle ears and scurry away. He would start a train of piggies under the china cabinet and then play lets mess with the humans as we tried to catch them and they would all run in different directions. Alfie, I miss you so much. He would run over to the cage when you opened the door and called his name. Alfie, come give mommy a kiss. And he would. He was the Alfinator. We would sing to him “what’s it all about Alfie” He was just one funny little pig. I love you Alfie. God’s speed in your journey home. Betty Boop, Neo, Tae, Kwon, Taku and Nacho will be waiting for you to play in the carrot garden. Have fun. I will see you again someday. Hugs dear little one…Mommy

and life continues…my daughter is doing very well…thank you for all your good thoughts and prayers…she is back in college taking it slow and wants to go forward with life and that is wonderful…she has many more good days than not so good days but the not so good days aren’t that bad for her and that is all we can hope for…my test that came back not so good in November was retaken on 2/2/10 and came back negative and I am so relieved ad happy and thankful to God…i do have two more annual tests this month but one day at a time and that is all i can hope for…i marked my 11th year now as a survivor and 11 is an angel number.  I promised myself even with mom I will do more for myself…I am presently registering for a class in angel healing that i can use along with my reiki and I am very excited…work has been good…while we lost one of my coworkers in December to cancer and I miss her very much.  I know they are replacing her and I can not do her job she worked out of the corporate offices up in Hartsdale, NY but i asked my bosses if I could do anything to relieve them of the pressure.  They will replace her but no one wants to she is loved…well they gave me the job of booking flights and hotel rooms using the frequent flyer miles…while challenging and frustrating is only a little bit to be said…it also affords me the opportunity to do something pleasant and happy…my job consisted of angry refunds and chargebacks plus directing the telemarketers when they are burning out…among other things but this is nice…everyone is all happy and excited about going away and while I can’t get on the planes and go I am happy doing this for them and it also makes me feel closer to Tina…I miss her very much…but everytime I do this I feel like she is smiling down on me…good people stay in our hearts…we have decided to wait until Tere is stronger before we consider getting another dog…after Nacho died and she brought Jake home and her allergies flared, it was very hard for all of us to find him a home it broke our hearts, and we want to make sure she is physically able to build a resistance before we do that again…her ordeal left her weak but she is a fighter and getting better…it snowed a lot this year…I don’t like it as much as I get older the being cold and the shoveling…but it is so beautiful…mom is holding her own and my husband and I have become very close friends again so that is a step in the right direction…many hugs to all…Sassy

The back road was closed for a  basketball game…she had to take the highway – half way thru she had a panic attack on a bridge and pulled over to a small shoulder – she was panic stricken and couldn’t drive and was starting to hyperventilate – her boyfriend came to get her with a friend for his car and I spoke to her on the phone the whole time pleading to pull “off” the bridge but she couldn’t’ – she had black spots in front of her eyes and couldn’t’ drive.  He got her home safely, God love him, and she calmed down within an hour – the last one she had she was in bed for two days so this is good – I emailed the acupuncturist and called in sick – luckily the next day, it was a work day so Vivian was here for mom for working hours -  so the next morning I took her for a treatment even though she looked fine.  She is doing well – he said to have her drive with someone on small highways in spurts and it will all go away in time because it took a long time to get here – she is sad she wants her independence back – she will have it – in time – when she is ready and strong enough – she is doing well – me – I think I held my breath the whole time – what a day – …hugs…Sassy

She got up so early today – the new college is very large so she wanted to be there early for third year transfer registration – she is afraid of highways since the trauma – part of the panic attacks – we mapped a back way for her – her dad took her anyway it is so cold and she has no parking permit until after registration tomorrow when I will take her and go in work late – she is too frail to walk int his cold for long so we would rather drop her off directly where she has to be and also she doesn’t’ need any stress right now transition is important she is doing excellent she will be taking herself to classes – good day again yesterday few more weeks for my followup and the weather is bitter…enjoy your monday everyone…hugs Sassy

don’t allow my perception to cloud the reality…

I realize my last blog was very depressing.  I needed to release from my soul what had happened on paper.  It is a healing for me.  It did help.  I only cried a few times today.  I opened the door.  The icey cold air breaths into my nose and I love that and I feel the tingling on my cheeks as the wind passes across my face.  Winter is not my favorite season yet this year I am enjoying the simple air – the squirrels see me open the back door and run up as I feed them peanuts they turn their back to me trustingly to eat and then take a few for later.  Maybe they munch while they watch TV who is to say.  LOL. I throw some more for the birds – a storm is on the way – let them fill their bellies and bring some to their nesting place to stay warm and full throughout it’s tirade.  The bustle of the people in the store – the simple pleasures of life I see.  I have been through such trauma over the past few months with my daughter and today was a good day and I am thankful for that.  It is good to hear her laughter it has been such a rarity.  It is good that she is driving again.  The fear is loosing.  It is good that she has a sparkle in her eyes and says “I’m hungry” she is so very thin.  Now…if only she starts to sing again it will make my heart fly…I love her so.  I am thankful for all around me.  I am thankful she had a good day.  I am calling to the universe to bring me and my family and loved ones health, love, happiness and a true security.  If I believe, then it must happen.  During my morning meditation I heard the word listen.  To me it meant don’t question, don’t guess, don’t talk in my head, just listen.  I have.  I saw some beautiful things today.  I love…hugs, Sassy

A VERY BUMPY PATH

I have been gone so long and neglected to visit the sites of those friends I have been so comfortable with – I have had a very hard few months.  I lost Nacho in my arms – that was my last post.  I still miss him so.  Not even a week later my daughter tried to take her life.  Everyone in XangaLand knows that my daughter is the stars in my sky – she tried to do this not with drugs – not with alcohol – but by choking – she thankfully did not succeed - she was diagnosed with clinical depression and post traumatic stress disorder.  She had been raped ten months prior to this and never told us.  It was a date rape and she turned things into herself she blamed herself knowing karate and thinking she should have defended herself better and she is just understanding that this isn’t her fault she was in a very vulnerable trusting state and no means no and she is not to blame she is not the bad person here – she is the victim – she held this inside of her and it must have eaten at her and it breaks my heart to think she didn’t tell me – she was suffering and I did not see this – I just didn’t see any of it - we brought her tot he hospital when she made the attempt and they basically disengaged us from the whole episode since she is over 18 – the next day she spoke with me and I had her sign a form saying her dad and I could intervene for her so we could help her and she did and she was put in a clinic for five days – she signed herself out after that and the physiatrist felt that she has a very strong will to live – she is just depressed and traumatized – the five days were horrid for her – she is very pure – I say that because it is true – she truly is a nice person – she doesn’t have many friends – she doesn’t like to gossip isn’t into designer clothing – doesn’t like the sorority life at college and is very honest always and sometimes to a fault for herself – she doesn’t drink – she doesn’t take drugs – she wants to be an acupuncturist and an herbalist – she reads self help books and took massage and quantum touch – she has meditated with me since she was around 11 this whole incident left her very frightened and she disconnected herself and I am very worried about her – she tried therapy for a time but that was awful – most of them don’t show – come late – leave early and make her draw pictures – she looks so young but she is 20 now.  Her dad practically carried her weakened body out of the clinic and she shook and had panic attacks constantly – we took her to the acupuncturist and it was unbelievable how quickly she responded – he tested her blood – most antidepressants not only cause suicidal thoughts they are usually just for dopamine and serotonin – the body produces either six or seven neurotransmitters – she is lacking gama and dopamine – he has given her supplements and neurotransmitter sprays for under her tongue they do what the meds do but at a much slower rate and with absolutely no side effects and the one thing the do accomplish – they teach the body to regulate itself so she eventually won’t need them and they are simply natural supplements – after she was depressed further with the therapy I purchased for her the midwestern anti-anxiety 15 week course .  She took 4 months off school and is returning this month to a new college – sometimes change is good and given her circumstances she needs to do this for herself – her boyfriend has stood by her through this entire episode and I am very much thankful for that being he too is only 20.  So we are taking it one day at a time but it has been a very long road – when she let us know how much she wanted a dog – her dad and her went to a kill shelter – we have always had 2 dogs and then when Taku passed on we had one – so they adopted a 2 year old lab/golden mix she named Jake and he was the love of everyone in the households heart – so thankful and loving and sweet and she was so weak from the ordeal and her resistance was so low and he was a new dog to her system and her asthma went bonkers she had rashes on her palms and started to turn blue and lived in her room and was so depressed because she couldn’t even pet him – another nightmare – I ended up having to do something I have never done in my life – I had to find him a home – I did – a very loving and good one – he sleeps with his new mommy and has two kids to play with and lives in a very rich household so I guess as foster parents we saved his life and he was with us a short time – but it was too much for me to bear like my heart was ripped again I couldn’t take anymore – I think I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown myself – my mom alone is no easy task and of course again my sisters didn’t step up to the plate even with me hysterical and an emotional wreck over my daughter then to top it off my pap came back borderline abnormal for the first time in ten years and I go back for that in February but another worry – I pray the cancer hasn’t returned – the doctor said not to worry – and anyone else he would give estrogen to and for me I can’t take that because of the type of tumor I had back then it was estrogen receptive – so I have done a lot of praying and have taken things into my own hands I have gone to the acupuncturist myself and started supplements and diet change and oxigination treatments along with acupuncture and I will continue trying and that did bring me out of my funk a bit because I need to be healthy for my daughter she needs me and I need to be here for her – I have thought many times of coming back to visit sites and wish I did sooner but one can do things only when one is ready hope this finds all of XangaLand in good health and spirits…I have missed you all … huggs…Sassy

In Memory of Nacho

November 1, 1996 to September 1, 2009

Our family has lost our little Nacho. He passed over yesterday morning, September 1, 2009 just two months short of his 13^th birthday. I don’t’ want to write about his death. I want to write about his life. From the moment he came to us he brought us smiles. As a puppy he breathed new life into Taku, our grown dog. Taku fell head over heels madly in love with him and decided he was her Christmas gift actually smiling and her tail wagged so and she immediately adopted him as her own and carried him in her mouth and helped me train him to “go” outside. She lived a long 16 years. For a large dog, that is incredible. She was not well and I believe that her love for her little guy helped her to live longer.

Nacho was named for the triangle shape on his butt. Tere felt it looked like a Nacho so that was what we called him. He was our baby. Just to give you a few examples of how gentle he was, when I would bring him for his three month blood work to check his levels (he suffered from Cushing Disease) the vet would let the assistants practice taking blood from him because he would simple lick their hand even though it was uncomfortable for him. During the day he would lay in a ray of sunshine in the living room and Tere would take out the guinea pigs that would crawl all over him and he simple would watch and never hurt them or move quickly to frighten them even when the little pigs were teething and nibbled on his floppy beagle ears. He would let Tere’s pet turtles walk across his paws. Outside he would share the stale bread with the ducks (Henry and Henrietta that visit annually every spring before we open the pool on the way home from the south) and he would lie on the deck and watch the squirrels eat the peanuts never attempting to disturb their breakfast.

He had such a sense of humor and he knew it and knew just how to be the “on stage comedian”. He would make us laugh by coming up on the upper deck while we swam and using the pool as the biggest water dish in the world. He would bay the entire time we walked him with his beagle bay. The sound warmed my heart. He decided he was the rinse cycle on any bits of food left on the dirty dishes and actually climb up on the dishwasher door and lick them until he got caught and told to get down and he would do it every day of his life. I remember once coming home and he was so excited running back and forth to show me his great hunting discovery. He had figured out how to open up the snack cabinet and helped himself to a very large container of cheese balls which he totally consumed and was showing me the remaining crumbs as if he had discovered gold on his daily hunt. At one of Tere’s birthday parties she had a bunch of kids over for a swim party and he discovered the pizza pies. When the kids were playing he helped himself to an entire pie. He had consumed 7 slices before Bill discovered him and played tug of war with the 8^th and Bill lost the tug. Nacho won the war and ate the 8^th piece. He moaned all night with an engorged belly. Poor baby. We called the vet and asked what to do. He said I should just count my blessings it wasn’t a sausage pie. Once during a barbecue, Bill had made hotdogs. Nacho got up on his tiny little legs and took four at once hanging out of his jowls like hotdog fangs and running across the lawn so as to be able to eat them. He ate them. While he was so very gentle and loved us all so unconditionally, his one great love was food you can see. When company would come he would meander over to sniff and get petted and when they would be leaving he would cry and bay at the door begging them to stay a bit longer, as if to say “don’t leave I’ll miss you”. Whether it was a friend, the pizza guy even the water man.

After the discovery of his Cushing and realizing he was making so many steroids and having hi put on meds he did loose some weight. He was a little muffin butt. I say that because his butt looked like the top of a muffin, no joking, it really did. Well at night he was allowed a little more treats when he lost the weight. Every night I would do my little “cheat” a few oreos and milk, my secret cheat and pour him in a tiny little blue bowl some cold milk and give him a vanilla wafer or a biscuit and we would have “cookies and milk” together. I will miss that more than I can explain. His smiling eyes and his little freckled beagle legs that were so short and yet so strong and muscled. I will miss his little nose and his jowls and his snoring and his running in his sleep when he dreams of probably hot dogs in the back yard. I will miss him always.

His life was too short. We wanted him to stay and he tried, he really tried to stay. His little body just couldn’t’t do it anymore. His heart said one thing but his time was spent. I know in my heart that he followed the light across that rainbow bridge and Taku was waiting for him. I can see him in my mind’s eye rolling in the grass and playing and asking Taku, when’s dinner. I miss you dear Nacho…I am aching for you…I will see you again someday…be happy…I guess since you always were, I should just say…be Nacho…I love you…mommy