The back road was closed for a  basketball game…she had to take the highway – half way thru she had a panic attack on a bridge and pulled over to a small shoulder – she was panic stricken and couldn’t drive and was starting to hyperventilate – her boyfriend came to get her with a friend for his car and I spoke to her on the phone the whole time pleading to pull “off” the bridge but she couldn’t’ – she had black spots in front of her eyes and couldn’t’ drive.  He got her home safely, God love him, and she calmed down within an hour – the last one she had she was in bed for two days so this is good – I emailed the acupuncturist and called in sick – luckily the next day, it was a work day so Vivian was here for mom for working hours -  so the next morning I took her for a treatment even though she looked fine.  She is doing well – he said to have her drive with someone on small highways in spurts and it will all go away in time because it took a long time to get here – she is sad she wants her independence back – she will have it – in time – when she is ready and strong enough – she is doing well – me – I think I held my breath the whole time – what a day – …hugs…Sassy

She got up so early today – the new college is very large so she wanted to be there early for third year transfer registration – she is afraid of highways since the trauma – part of the panic attacks – we mapped a back way for her – her dad took her anyway it is so cold and she has no parking permit until after registration tomorrow when I will take her and go in work late – she is too frail to walk int his cold for long so we would rather drop her off directly where she has to be and also she doesn’t’ need any stress right now transition is important she is doing excellent she will be taking herself to classes – good day again yesterday few more weeks for my followup and the weather is bitter…enjoy your monday everyone…hugs Sassy

don’t allow my perception to cloud the reality…

I realize my last blog was very depressing.  I needed to release from my soul what had happened on paper.  It is a healing for me.  It did help.  I only cried a few times today.  I opened the door.  The icey cold air breaths into my nose and I love that and I feel the tingling on my cheeks as the wind passes across my face.  Winter is not my favorite season yet this year I am enjoying the simple air – the squirrels see me open the back door and run up as I feed them peanuts they turn their back to me trustingly to eat and then take a few for later.  Maybe they munch while they watch TV who is to say.  LOL. I throw some more for the birds – a storm is on the way – let them fill their bellies and bring some to their nesting place to stay warm and full throughout it’s tirade.  The bustle of the people in the store – the simple pleasures of life I see.  I have been through such trauma over the past few months with my daughter and today was a good day and I am thankful for that.  It is good to hear her laughter it has been such a rarity.  It is good that she is driving again.  The fear is loosing.  It is good that she has a sparkle in her eyes and says “I’m hungry” she is so very thin.  Now…if only she starts to sing again it will make my heart fly…I love her so.  I am thankful for all around me.  I am thankful she had a good day.  I am calling to the universe to bring me and my family and loved ones health, love, happiness and a true security.  If I believe, then it must happen.  During my morning meditation I heard the word listen.  To me it meant don’t question, don’t guess, don’t talk in my head, just listen.  I have.  I saw some beautiful things today.  I love…hugs, Sassy

A VERY BUMPY PATH

I have been gone so long and neglected to visit the sites of those friends I have been so comfortable with – I have had a very hard few months.  I lost Nacho in my arms – that was my last post.  I still miss him so.  Not even a week later my daughter tried to take her life.  Everyone in XangaLand knows that my daughter is the stars in my sky – she tried to do this not with drugs – not with alcohol – but by choking – she thankfully did not succeed - she was diagnosed with clinical depression and post traumatic stress disorder.  She had been raped ten months prior to this and never told us.  It was a date rape and she turned things into herself she blamed herself knowing karate and thinking she should have defended herself better and she is just understanding that this isn’t her fault she was in a very vulnerable trusting state and no means no and she is not to blame she is not the bad person here – she is the victim – she held this inside of her and it must have eaten at her and it breaks my heart to think she didn’t tell me – she was suffering and I did not see this – I just didn’t see any of it - we brought her tot he hospital when she made the attempt and they basically disengaged us from the whole episode since she is over 18 – the next day she spoke with me and I had her sign a form saying her dad and I could intervene for her so we could help her and she did and she was put in a clinic for five days – she signed herself out after that and the physiatrist felt that she has a very strong will to live – she is just depressed and traumatized – the five days were horrid for her – she is very pure – I say that because it is true – she truly is a nice person – she doesn’t have many friends – she doesn’t like to gossip isn’t into designer clothing – doesn’t like the sorority life at college and is very honest always and sometimes to a fault for herself – she doesn’t drink – she doesn’t take drugs – she wants to be an acupuncturist and an herbalist – she reads self help books and took massage and quantum touch – she has meditated with me since she was around 11 this whole incident left her very frightened and she disconnected herself and I am very worried about her – she tried therapy for a time but that was awful – most of them don’t show – come late – leave early and make her draw pictures – she looks so young but she is 20 now.  Her dad practically carried her weakened body out of the clinic and she shook and had panic attacks constantly – we took her to the acupuncturist and it was unbelievable how quickly she responded – he tested her blood – most antidepressants not only cause suicidal thoughts they are usually just for dopamine and serotonin – the body produces either six or seven neurotransmitters – she is lacking gama and dopamine – he has given her supplements and neurotransmitter sprays for under her tongue they do what the meds do but at a much slower rate and with absolutely no side effects and the one thing the do accomplish – they teach the body to regulate itself so she eventually won’t need them and they are simply natural supplements – after she was depressed further with the therapy I purchased for her the midwestern anti-anxiety 15 week course .  She took 4 months off school and is returning this month to a new college – sometimes change is good and given her circumstances she needs to do this for herself – her boyfriend has stood by her through this entire episode and I am very much thankful for that being he too is only 20.  So we are taking it one day at a time but it has been a very long road – when she let us know how much she wanted a dog – her dad and her went to a kill shelter – we have always had 2 dogs and then when Taku passed on we had one – so they adopted a 2 year old lab/golden mix she named Jake and he was the love of everyone in the households heart – so thankful and loving and sweet and she was so weak from the ordeal and her resistance was so low and he was a new dog to her system and her asthma went bonkers she had rashes on her palms and started to turn blue and lived in her room and was so depressed because she couldn’t even pet him – another nightmare – I ended up having to do something I have never done in my life – I had to find him a home – I did – a very loving and good one – he sleeps with his new mommy and has two kids to play with and lives in a very rich household so I guess as foster parents we saved his life and he was with us a short time – but it was too much for me to bear like my heart was ripped again I couldn’t take anymore – I think I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown myself – my mom alone is no easy task and of course again my sisters didn’t step up to the plate even with me hysterical and an emotional wreck over my daughter then to top it off my pap came back borderline abnormal for the first time in ten years and I go back for that in February but another worry – I pray the cancer hasn’t returned – the doctor said not to worry – and anyone else he would give estrogen to and for me I can’t take that because of the type of tumor I had back then it was estrogen receptive – so I have done a lot of praying and have taken things into my own hands I have gone to the acupuncturist myself and started supplements and diet change and oxigination treatments along with acupuncture and I will continue trying and that did bring me out of my funk a bit because I need to be healthy for my daughter she needs me and I need to be here for her – I have thought many times of coming back to visit sites and wish I did sooner but one can do things only when one is ready hope this finds all of XangaLand in good health and spirits…I have missed you all … huggs…Sassy