January 3, 2010

• A VERY BUMPY PATH

  I have been gone so long and neglected to visit the sites of those friends I have been so comfortable with – I have had a very hard few months.  I lost Nacho in my arms – that was my last post.  I still miss him so.  Not even a week later my daughter tried to take her life.  Everyone in XangaLand knows that my daughter is the stars in my sky – she tried to do this not with drugs – not with alcohol – but by choking – she thankfully did not succeed - she was diagnosed with clinical depression and post traumatic stress disorder.  She had been raped ten months prior to this and never told us.  It was a date rape and she turned things into herself she blamed herself knowing karate and thinking she should have defended herself better and she is just understanding that this isn’t her fault she was in a very vulnerable trusting state and no means no and she is not to blame she is not the bad person here – she is the victim – she held this inside of her and it must have eaten at her and it breaks my heart to think she didn’t tell me – she was suffering and I did not see this – I just didn’t see any of it - we brought her tot he hospital when she made the attempt and they basically disengaged us from the whole episode since she is over 18 – the next day she spoke with me and I had her sign a form saying her dad and I could intervene for her so we could help her and she did and she was put in a clinic for five days – she signed herself out after that and the physiatrist felt that she has a very strong will to live – she is just depressed and traumatized – the five days were horrid for her – she is very pure – I say that because it is true – she truly is a nice person – she doesn’t have many friends – she doesn’t like to gossip isn’t into designer clothing – doesn’t like the sorority life at college and is very honest always and sometimes to a fault for herself – she doesn’t drink – she doesn’t take drugs – she wants to be an acupuncturist and an herbalist – she reads self help books and took massage and quantum touch – she has meditated with me since she was around 11 this whole incident left her very frightened and she disconnected herself and I am very worried about her – she tried therapy for a time but that was awful – most of them don’t show – come late – leave early and make her draw pictures – she looks so young but she is 20 now.  Her dad practically carried her weakened body out of the clinic and she shook and had panic attacks constantly – we took her to the acupuncturist and it was unbelievable how quickly she responded – he tested her blood – most antidepressants not only cause suicidal thoughts they are usually just for dopamine and serotonin – the body produces either six or seven neurotransmitters – she is lacking gama and dopamine – he has given her supplements and neurotransmitter sprays for under her tongue they do what the meds do but at a much slower rate and with absolutely no side effects and the one thing the do accomplish – they teach the body to regulate itself so she eventually won’t need them and they are simply natural supplements – after she was depressed further with the therapy I purchased for her the midwestern anti-anxiety 15 week course .  She took 4 months off school and is returning this month to a new college – sometimes change is good and given her circumstances she needs to do this for herself – her boyfriend has stood by her through this entire episode and I am very much thankful for that being he too is only 20.  So we are taking it one day at a time but it has been a very long road – when she let us know how much she wanted a dog – her dad and her went to a kill shelter – we have always had 2 dogs and then when Taku passed on we had one – so they adopted a 2 year old lab/golden mix she named Jake and he was the love of everyone in the households heart – so thankful and loving and sweet and she was so weak from the ordeal and her resistance was so low and he was a new dog to her system and her asthma went bonkers she had rashes on her palms and started to turn blue and lived in her room and was so depressed because she couldn’t even pet him – another nightmare – I ended up having to do something I have never done in my life – I had to find him a home – I did – a very loving and good one – he sleeps with his new mommy and has two kids to play with and lives in a very rich household so I guess as foster parents we saved his life and he was with us a short time – but it was too much for me to bear like my heart was ripped again I couldn’t take anymore – I think I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown myself – my mom alone is no easy task and of course again my sisters didn’t step up to the plate even with me hysterical and an emotional wreck over my daughter then to top it off my pap came back borderline abnormal for the first time in ten years and I go back for that in February but another worry – I pray the cancer hasn’t returned – the doctor said not to worry – and anyone else he would give estrogen to and for me I can’t take that because of the type of tumor I had back then it was estrogen receptive – so I have done a lot of praying and have taken things into my own hands I have gone to the acupuncturist myself and started supplements and diet change and oxigination treatments along with acupuncture and I will continue trying and that did bring me out of my funk a bit because I need to be healthy for my daughter she needs me and I need to be here for her – I have thought many times of coming back to visit sites and wish I did sooner but one can do things only when one is ready hope this finds all of XangaLand in good health and spirits…I have missed you all … huggs…Sassy

  • 11:50 pm
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