May 24, 2009
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perceiving of my self
What I find is that I don’t care so much about how I am perceived from the outside as much as I do from my inside. I guess with age comes wisdom. It is easy to say as long as I feel I am a good person, it doesn’t matter what others think, only what I think. But it took me years to live that. At first it was a step in understanding the statement, then it was a step in wanting to live it and then it was forgotten and then a realization that I am living it and it really doesn’t mater how I am perceived from the outside. I see me as I see me and I try hard to please me. When I do things for myself, my family, my coworkers, I truly am doing it for the feelings I get from within, not the recognition from without. I hear of a place in heaven for taking care of mom. Though the intention of the remark coming toward me is heartfelt, that person doesn’t know this. Is this supposed to give me a reason to continue. Have they sent a note to heaven as a point a head of me. I think not. I take care of mom, simply because she is my mom and it is what I feel inside me I should do. I am not always nice. I am very human and sometimes run out of patients with her. I know she is stiff from the Parkinson’s, but at 54 my shoulders are not what they used to be. I am sore. I can say outside and inside that the sisters have to lay their head down at night and do what they feel they must for her which is nothing or sometimes very close to nothing…but I too am human…am I a bit jealous they have the ability to say this is my life and I want to live it…yes…but she is my mom…I want them to please give me one weekend a month…that is two days of their lives every month. It would afford them the privilege of spending time with a woman that loved and raised them. It would afford her the opportunity of spending time with the families of those she loves very much and it would afford me the time to work on my own life or not work on it…to rest and sleep and heal my aching bones…it would…but it won’t they won’t I would love every other weekend…I would…but they won’t and on weekends like memorial day when it is more than difficult just to take her for an outing, which I do…I would love to run barefoot on the beach like them…to get up in the morning and have nothing more to do but to sit in the sunshine with a cup of coffee and read a magazine…then the guilt seeps in…I love her…she does well as she can…she asks not for much…a roof, food, a tender heart and a place to call home…with loved ones…we afford her this…but she had three, not just me…..I care not what others think of me…I care of what I think of me…yet…I have the human error of judging others..them…that doesn’t seem fair of me…they are probably very pleased as to who they are on their insides too…rotted tomatoes…sorry…couldn’t help it…lol…hugs, Sassy
Comments (11)
You do well Sassy and I understand your charges with your mother be shared by your siblings .
Who is on the profil picture ? Great people .
Love
Michel
Tomatoes rot away if they are left in the wild, people too.
It is good what you’re doing, taking care of you mom. She took care of you too, but the sunset has more sadness than dawn.
I worry about how I am perceived when I have a mother who won’t accept a daughter’s care. I feel as if I am judged by the doctors and nurses from whom she receives care when her inability to care for herself breaks down and she’s in the hospital. I wish that I could say I listen only to my inner perception of me, but even that voice can be harsh and judgemental, telling me if I just tried harder I could make her accept the options that would be safer for her. I have offered her a place in my home and she refuses. Now she is losing her faculties and no one can reason with her. I feel lost inside when it comes to this issue. Sorry , you didn’t need me dumping this on you. Blessings abound
Such a difficult position you are in. Love to you.
Demanding, scream, have a hissy fit and just plain tell your sisters that this is it! They need to give you a break or you are going to find a weekend nurse and they will be sent the bill. Enough it enough! Fight for being you…it is not selfish…it is survival. You know that I have been a caregiver for my father and husband and it takes a great toll. Love you…and I am listening for your scream Nancy
@Nanny - I have screamed, I am done, I screamed so loud I thought I would give myself a stroke. I was told, this is my choice, if I don’t want to do it maybe I should consider putting her in a home (she isn’t ready for that and would just die) also, was told to calm down and “read the bible”…also, told them I was going to have to get a caregiver and would need their help paying. She is global options and I am given an aide three times a week ONLY when I am working, no nights no weekends and I work at home two days a week with her and that is difficult and I have her all the time except at the office and as soon as I get home…I was told that they don’t have the money to pay for extra help that the state won’t offer and that is that…they just don’t care Nanny…I am not exagerating here…I have tried everything, I have tried meetings, tears, screaming having a mutual friend speak to them, even a priest…nothing…you have to want to help and they don’t…I love that you hear me and I love that you care…I just keep on keeping on, I know there is a reason for this I am just not sure what it is…I won’t put her away, not unless it comes to a point that she needs help I can’t give her…for now, she needs what I can give her, I just wish it was one weekend a month from both of them and I could have every other weekend off and they would have only two days a month to give to their mom…right now one is at the beach the other is in south carolina…holiday fun…me, I know, people say I will be blessed I do love her…just getting very resentful…I am sorry…some days are harder than others…today, I am very tired..love you…Sassy
@epeemom - I don’t feel your dumping, I feel your hurting…I think in time she will have no choice. I have read your words and think that she is a very strong willed independent person. It is hard for her to depend. Maybe she took care of someone once and it was difficult. I don’t think at this point in time, given a choice, I would do this to my daughter, maybe this is why. For whatever reason…in time, she will have to back down and give up her choice. In the meantime please don’t judge yourself so harshly. You are taking this as a direction toward you from your mom and I don’t believe that it is what it is…she is just fighting as hard and as long as she can…as far as others…most people probably don’t judge you like that…knowing you and your character, they must know that you want it differently…those who do judge usually are tring to build a low self esteem at the expense of their judgment on others, pay that no mind…they don’t matter…what you feel inside matters…but know that your mom most likely doesn’t want to loose what she thinks of herself as being from within, an independent woman…I am sorry your so sad and I hope it all works out…please hug yourself and know your a wonderful person…Sassy
I read something by ophra the other day she said she spent half her life attacking her body for not being good enough this way or that. Now she concentrates on her soul and her body suddenly became good enough. Love you Sassy, Judi
I hope since this post your sisters have understood what they have to do to bring you some relief Sassy . It is so sad .
Love
Michel
Michel
@fauquet - thank you Michel – hope ll is well with you…been very involved with mom will visit your site soon. Hugs, Sassy