Earth is Creator…Creator is Earth…we are Creator…all he touches is him…he is love and light…he has given to us ourselves…himself…the Earth…Happy Earth Day

she drew blood…looking for gallbladder levels (?) she gave me two antibiotics and a pain pill set up an ultrasound for the morning and sent me home to rest…it cold be gallbladder…if so we hope i pass it and change my diet to low fat..if not they can remove the stone WITHOUT removing the gallbladder (thank God) and if the gallbladder is septic (a mess) then they remove it…if it is a kidney stone we hope I pass it and if I don’t they microscopically remove it or try and blast it…it might be a bout of diverticulitus in a different place that the intestines weren’t removed…but given the fac that the symptons/pain are different it might not…anyway…I will know more on monday…unless i am in too much pain for now she wants me to rest and drink lots and lots of water…so i do that and i meditate and i pray…i am very sleepy…many huggs to all…huggs…Sassy

pain in right side really bad…really bad…over twelve hours…going to doctor…I think it is that gallstone that they found last year that never bothered me before…shit…I hope they don’t want to cut me open again…I feel like a patchwork quilt…it really hurts…

I want to stay home and mediate and daydream all day…i can’t i gotta go to work…feels like a hookey day but I can’t bills to pay…shoot…off to the saltmines…huggs…Sassy

SHOVEL

I took a shovel in my mind and dug a great big hole today…I reread my blogg and all the lovely comments and thought…well…the work thing doesn’t really matter in the scope of things…I am going to school anyway and someday hope to do what makes me happy…as far as taking them to heart…I can’t expect people to be what I am…or what I want them to be…I am the way I am and that is okay but they are the way they are..so…to some those little tap dances are okay…they confuse me and I guess I anger them when I come straight forward and want them to come clean..they don’t know how…so I will stay and work where they want..they money is fairly decent…but I know that someday I will be ready to spread my wings and fly…when my schooling is completed…as far as my feelings for the whole situations with my old friend/healer…I am slow at it but know where I have to get..that is over it…I am trying and that is good…but I have to understand again that I treated him and his family the best I could and loved truly from inside of my heart…that is what I should be and am proud of…so my love was not in vain on my part…on theirs’ it is what it is…whether they laughed at me or lied to me or both…it is what it is…I am a loyal person whether it be in work or friendship or family…this is me…I like being me and though I will no doubt be hurt again…I am just this way…so…I take one day at a time and that is all I can do…the tumors…while they are both benign (smiles) they may grow really big and cause a problem…but they may not…they had been growing rapidly…this time I lucked out and they didn’t grow hardly at all…I truly believe it is due to my meditation….my positive thought…my acupuncturist and my supplements…and the fact that I have never missed an appointment nor not followed directions of my oncologist…so…this I give up to God…I feel good this evening…I was filled with self pity and fear the other day…but I dug a hole in my mind and dropped the things I can’t change in there and realize that I have the edge…because I am aware…what they are doing in work and what has been done in friendships…so that is all for now…many huggs….Sassy

I have an hour break and promised myself I would do the budget…yeah right…I will…I just finished working…have to go back in an hour…I don’t feel like doing the budget…I had an awful time in work last night…a few years ago they took my computer…I borrow others…I don’t mind ’cause it gives me an excuse to work at home and I love working at home.  I get more done with no distractions…anyway.  I asked the manager to borrow his…I guess I should go back a bit…In January I was told they don’t really have too much for me to do anymore…I have been with the company for over 22 years and was working as the private secretary to the COO and now he is part owner.  I have known him for close to 20 years.  Well, they offered me to continue doing that but it would be very little and do telemarketing two NIGHTS a week (I hate working nights) and also they would open a department for me as Supervisor for all the telemarketers.  That wasn’t offered immediately, a while down the road it was.  Being in a financial position not to quit…I took what I could get.  I felt demoted it was what I did 12 years ago, plus I don’t really care for the manager there and that is a whole other issue.  Well, I am plugging along and taking each day as it comes.  I have had two meetings (only after insisting) with regards to the supervisory position and was fed the same line of >>>> each time…still…all these months later…nothing has been formerly announced and I am told to keep it quiet with the other managers.  I do…Well, I go in to use his computer and his email box is open…that is another thing…not only is the computer gone, I have no password, no email address…nothing…I have to borrow from employees that are fairly new.  Well, I see as clear as a bell an open email…FROM:  my boss TO:  the manager RE:  My name -  please read and we will discuss…I stare at it and feel my eyes fill with tears…I look for the x and close the email out…very curious as to what it was but I wouldn’t open it…it wasn’t my mail…I felt betrayed.  He assured me I wasn’t working for this manager…he assured me my job wasn’t ending…I felt the lies…after I calmed down I called him and very softly and sure not to cry and loose credibility…I told him what happened and asked him what it was…is my job changing again or what…his first question:  DID YOU READ IT? Me insulted:  OF COURSE NOT…I AM ASKING YOU WHAT IT SAID ONLY BECAUSE IT IS ABOUT ME…I WOULD NEVER READ SOMEONE’S MAIL…YOU KNOW ME BETTER THAN THAT…HIM:  OF COURSE…YES…I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS…LET ME THINK…OH…MAYBE HE WAS REVISITING AN EMAIL I SENT IN THE PAST…WHAT WAS THE DATE…ME:  I DON’T KNOW I WAS SO UPSET WHEN I READ THE REFERENCE I JUST CLOSED IT OUT…WHY…DID YOU WRITE HIM ABOUT ME IN THE PAST…AND WHY…HIM:  OH YES IT WAS YOUR JOB DESCRIPTION…ME:  YOU DISCUSSED MY JOB DESCRIPTION WITH HIM…(HE TOLD ME NOT TO TELL THE MANAGERS AND DIDN’T’ DISCUSS IT WITH THE OTHER FOUR SO WHY HIM UNLESS I TRULY WILL BE WORKING FOR HIM IN THE END…A MAN THAT I HIRED THAT I DIDN’T WANT TO THAT I TOLD THE OWNER NOT TO…A MAN THAT IS LAZY AND SELF CENTERED AND UNTRUTHFUL)…ME:  AM I STILL GOING TO WORK FOR YOU OR AM I WORKING FOR”NAME OF MANAGER”…HIM:  ME OF COURSE…did you ever think someone is lieing to you…I can’t tell anymore…I want to believe him…but it was like a slap…my Healer didn’t have the want to end our relationship either…he asked his Xwife (who I didn’t like) to do and that hurt me so badly…I didn’t even mean enough to end it…like I was a business acquaintance…maybe that is really all I ever was to him (tears here)and this was someone I spoke to every day for years and loved like a friend and brother and was secretly in love with (well…I think he knew) but I believed him too…so now my boss…well…I have known him since the day he started…I hired him too and now he is part owner and well deserves it…he is a dedicated hard working man…but do they think I am used up and worthless like my Healer did…do I trust it or are they trying to get me to quit since I am friends with the original owner (whom I will NOT go to…that wouldn’t be fair)…I don’t know…it kind of made me not trust anyone…I guess I feel like the rug is being pulled from under me…but after last July with my Healer it left me so wide open…I don’t think I will ever truly believe anyone again…being told I LOVE YOU (as a brother) and I WILL ALWAYS BE IN YOUR LIFE>>>I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE…when I told him I was so scared and sensed he would leave me life…I knew it…I felt it…I was right…he lied and said this and I believed him with all my heart…I guess he was my brother and  my friend and I was so in love with him and blinded that I didn’t see I meant nothing to him…why do people do that…is that what my boss is doing now…deciding I mean nothing to the company and hoping to make me so friggin miserable that I will quit on my own…why are they emailing about me…why did he confide in that utter moronic ass about me…he has no right knowing my job description…or does he and I am not aware of it yet…floating in the lake on a piece of wiggly carpet, sinking slowly…

I got a call from the Oncologist for my kidney sonogram (JUMPING UP AND DOWN HERE) the one on the left (benign tumor) hasn’t grown at all and the one on the right (benign tumor) grew such a slight amount it is considered no significant growth…I will see him on November 9 and guess what…I have my annual physical in July…but my next cancer test isn’t until October…WEEHAAA…they are getting further apart…I still shook all over and started to feel sick to my stomach when I got to work and saw the message on the voice mail last night…thank you God…I love you…well…I went to the acupuncturist early this morning before work and told him…he has me on supplements because he is an herbalist as well…he wants  me to get fresh ginger and slice it very thin then he wants me to cut off two tiny pieces about an eight of an inch of this stuff he gave me called pure moxa roll and place them on my navel on top of the ginger with two incense sticks sticking out and burn them…being sure they don’t get too hot (I have no feeling from the surgeries so I don’t know how that is gonna work) and the ginger and moxa will get in my system and help circulation which will shrink the tumors inside my kidneys as well as help with the circulation from the surgeries making me have no feeling all over the area…once a day…I haven’t started…I am also going on Monday morning to LA weight loss…I have had it and want to be what I used to be…not unhappy with my weight…I want to loose 35 to 40 pounds…I hope I can do it…I think I am healthy enough to start now…well that is all for now…I started visiting my subscriptions…day two…geesh I have a lot…I am going to try and finish this weekend…huggs to all…Sassy…Dear Me this is long….lol…

Daraiseurotrash had this on her site and I borrowed it…

Betty Boop and Gracie were spayed today.  I have them in a separate cage and they are finally drinking and eating a bit.  They are uncomfortable and I feel terrible about it, but I had to break the birth cycle.  The babies, Tae, Kwon and Do are all boys…it was cheaper this way.  I can’t believe they are all boys.  Kwon is resembling Neo as he grows and has his Dad, Alfie’s personality, he thinks he is a rocket..  Tae is more passive and looks like his mom.  Do is nuts, plain and simple.  OO…Goddess Four Winds…the poem…no it is NOT based on any reality…it was just something I was writing for no reason at all…I felt like it and it made me feel better after I did…I don’t know why…I go for the sonogram tomorrow on my kidneys and I am a bit nervous…can only have food (I am too full to eat) and drinks for one more hour…then nothing until afterward…I meditated on healthy kidneys today…the tumors in both that they are monitoring have been benign and hopefully will remain that way…they got a bit bigger and now they want to check them because it is six months…many people have them a life time and don’t know it…just with my cancer history they found them is all…so I pray that they remain just nothing and I have been doing the acupuncture to shrink them along with supplements and much water and positive thinking and meditation. I have to work a double shift tomorrow after the test so I don’t think I’ll be in until very late…so…another day I won’t be able to visit all of your sites but hopefully I will soon…working Thursday night too…well…with the six piggies we had to expand their living quarters because the boys started biting each other (little nips)…we put a shelf inside half way up with a ramp and now they have an up and downscales…way cool…I am gonna figure out how to take pix for you guys and post them with the rest of the Florida trip…I have so many with the dolphins and the seals but xanga says they are too big and I need to configure and resize them…Silky will show me…then I can start doing that more regularly…huggs to all of you…Sassy

A cry in the dark…The night is still the sky is clear the moon shines bright above…It is a night they say that was made for two to love…I feel a breeze I watch the stars the spot beside me clear…The evening is young and my heart beats fast for soon he will be near…I start to behold in my mind’s eye the fullfillment of my dream…I feel my skin alive and moist with hot and lusty steam…My eyes aglow I wait and look at each sound the forest brings…A twig I hear, it crackles, a brush of bush is rubbed…But no one comes to embrace my soul…No one for me to love…I wait until I convince my heart that I must now too part…I walk through darkness alone and wondering why I believed to start…I hear a laugh of lovers two beyond the trees I pass…I peak through leaves and my heart stands still as the two entwine on the grass…I see his face moonlight lit as he possess her love as his…She lies wide open she claims  his sex with much elated bliss…I watch as lips meet and kiss and tongues become as one…I smell their sex and shame fills me as I peak in voyuer at their fun…A cry starts up my throat and my feet they start to run…I stand in my room in front of myself a reflection mirrored back…That sad look enveloping my eyes as I close the door at last…I walk alone in protected wear for I am one to know that if my heart should open up and let someone inside…Like dynamite the effects would be and it would surley blow…A cry in the dark…Sassy©

I received an email today…it said simply “I love you”…it opened a door for me and like a tidal wave a question was answered…see yesterday I went for the seventh year in a row to “walk for a cure for MS”  this year I was fortunate enough not to be healing from a surgery (I go for a sonogram Wednesday for my kidneys and praying all is well) but I got to walk…and not just my usual two to three miles and then running one of the tables which is fun…but I never get to finish…this year I did…I did the whole six miles…along with Shining Silk…but she is in much better physical condition than me and also (giggles) gets some unknown pleasure out of exercise…I HATE SWEATING AND ACHING…to get back to my writing here…sorry…attention  deficit is showing…anyway…my niece suffers from the horrendous disease…while walking I kept thinking what on earth do these people think this walk is going to do…how will the walking stop the disease…my daughter “ran” the six miles…but then again she does this at least two to three times weekly…I finished…legs shaking out of breath and suffering tremendously from the realization that I have 19 1/2 inches less in my lower colon…it was difficult for me…but I did it…I showered and soaked in the hot tub when I got home…I was proud I did it…but didn’t enjoy it…this morning was different…I opened my email…read the three words from my niece and cried…dah…they do it because they love someone…just like I did it because I love her yes…and it makes us feel like we are doing something…but always for me was what…what the hell are we doing in this mass group of  walkers…how is this helping find a cure for MS…now I know…it is…it shows the people that suffer from disease that we care enough to do this and be sponsored to do this so we can give something…time…love…care and money too towards finding a cure…I guess I am a slow learner…I will be walking again next year…who knows maybe I can run some of it by then…after all…we are much stronger than a disease these bonds of love we have…I forwarded the email back to her and wrote simply ditto…huggs…Sassy(slow learner me)…